Cyclish News: Early Edition

GP Ken Hushvod Confirmed for Saturday

Litvalk dismisses concerns of riders as "Sad."

PHRO announced this morning that CAS has dismissed the injunction filed by fake-racers and that the rescheduled Grand Prix Ken Hushvod will proceed as planned for Saturday at 3pm. A small but vocal group of riders had successfully blocked the fake-race from it's originally planned start date by filing a legal injunction in the local Main County Municipal Court alleging that the "course is too difficult, and presents hazardous conditions to all who participate."

PHRO Chairman Joos Litvalk was forced to make a urgent visit to the US branch of the CAS (Court of Arbitration for Sport) in Charlotte, NC to argue the case that the injunction should be dismissed. The Ross Valley Reporter received word this morning that Litvalk's lobbying efforts were successful and that the fake-race would start as planned on Saturday.

Fake-Racers Protesting

In a curt statement, Litvalk confirmed the successful appeal and also waived away the concerns of the riders stating that "there is no modification needed to the GPKH parcors. All that is needed to win is low gears, good tires and courage."

The Grand Prix Ken Hushvod will start this Saturday April 8th at 3pm from the Log Cabin.

Thomas Ready for Successful MWC Campaign

An ever genial presence in the semi-pro peloton, Thibauld Thomas has always been a threat to win a MWC event but despite always being in contention, has yet to achieve the top step of the podium. Speaking to reporters from his summer villa, "Mar á Retardo", in Tiburon, CA, Thomas was relaxed but confident in his chances to break through in this year's slate of fake-races.

"Honestly, I feel it is my time," stated Thomas as he languidly reclined on a chaise lounge on his sundeck. "Clijisters is clearly not the rider he once was, Hushvod is more washed up than an old diaper and Lodewick...well, let's just say that Lodewick has a better chance of winning a round of Bingo than he does of beating me in a fake-race this year."

Thomas denined the allegations published in The Ark Newspaper that shipments of synthetic testosterone and HGH were delivered to his Tiburon estate. "I have sired 37 children in my life, I doubt I have need for testosterone," Thomas bemusedly replied when queried on the story. "Clearly there is some mistake in understanding as those substances are for therapy for our dogs."

With his inflamitory remarks about his competition, Thomas is obviously feeling strong about his chances. However will his remarks lighe a fire under Hushvod, Clijisters, et al? 

BREAKING NEWS: GP Ken Hushvod, MWC Dates Moved Again

Riders File Injunction Claiming "Course Too Difficult, Hazardous"

News broke late Thursday afternoon that a group of fake-racers had filed a court injunction seeking to halt the Marin World Cup opening event, the GP Ken Hushvod this coming Sunday. The brief claimed that "The Grand Prix Ken Hushvod route design is unnecessarily hard, extremely hazardous and displays a shocking disregard for the web being of the fake-racers registered to participate." The Ross Valley Reporter has obtained exclusive intel that after the teams performed their customary pre-fake-race recon rides of the GP Ken Hushvod parcours, many felt that the course demands were extraordinary and that Joos Litvalk and PHRO had gone out of their way to create a route that included a high likelihood of catastrophic injury. Riders claimed that they had approached Litvalk with their concerns but were brushed aside and as a result they had no choice but to seek legal intervention asking for a one week postponement of the start to address their issues.

Litvalk was not made available for comment but courses close to his camp quietly confided that Litvalk was "apoplectic" and that the riders involved in the legal intervention were "weak in mind, body and spirit." This reported has also learned that with the Litvalk is scheduled for a list minute flight on Monday to the South East office of the CAS (Court of Arbitration for Sport) based in Charlotte, NC to plead his case.

Currently the GP Ken Husvod has been rescheduled to Saturday April 8th with Marin-Roubaix and San Raflaanders being push back to Saturday April 15th and Saturday April 22nd respectively.

More on this situation as it develops. 

Schmidt Camp responds to allegations

R. A. Von Schmidt's press secretary, Johan Spicer issued a terse statement to the large and boisterous crowd gathered outside the scrappy and much beloved rider's Winter Estate "Far Above You" nestled among the majestic oaks in hilly Faire-Faxen-Ville late Friday afternoon. Clearly disregarding his prepared notes the flamboyant Spicer shouted: "The accusations against Von Schmidt are clearly alternative facts. His loyalty to this country and the PHRO fake racing organization are beyond reproach. It is no secret that Von Schmidt has been a long time supporter of CHOICE in fake racing, it by no means diminishes his love of the organization he helped to found. Clearly this is an attempt to divert attention from the failed policies of current Chairman Joos Litvalk. No races for two years and this is what is considered news? Preposterous." 

When pressed further, Spicer's legendary agitation grew: "Clearly the current administration, who promised to "Drain the Swamp" yet could not organize a single Fake Race for two entire seasons needs political cover. Von Schmidt worked tirelessly to negotiate a settlement regarding a race schedule and course location that worked with the Chairman's extensive travel schedule. Yet Litvalk would neither accept a compromise to the "Agreeable Fake Race Act"("AFRACare" as it is oft referred,) nor propose his own plan despite two years of rhetoric promising to "repeal and replace" the popular plan. Perhaps being flown around the globe being wined and dined in lavish style by potential "sponsors" has clouded his judgement."

There has been rampant speculation the Litvalk has secretly been accepting bribes from from the most unlikely allies: Mad Russian Jimmy Robinski and 3 time RSVR Champ Jonas Lodewick. The pair have reportedly been in collusion to delay the race series until the two can regain their top tier form. Lodewick was sidelined for six months due to an off-season tobogganing accident, and Robinski has had a series of personal setbacks making it impossible for him to train with any regularity. Both have feared that Ken "hedgehog" Hushvod or Markus Christensen could improve their rank in the Marin World Cup Fake Racing Standings if allowed to race, particularly with Baen Van der Standish and Stijn Cherry also on non active status. While these accusations lack any hard supporting evidence, one thing is certain: the coveted Lantern Rouge title was never in jeopardy- Spicer confirmed that Von Scmidt's legendary training regimen of bathing in Duvel Ale, riding gently once a month and performing anonymous charitable acts has kept him in prime condition-adding that "the people's fake racer" had recently completed his second 7 day gin cleanse this year.

Post Conference, Von Schmidt tweeted on a wide ranging variety of topics including a woman's right to choose, universal healthcare for fake racers, why the Walking Dead sucks now and this clever sub-tweet clearly aimed at his rival Joos: "@fake racing was created for losers; why not let them race for last place?"
 

 

Cyclish News - Early Edition

Von Schmidt Working with Rival Organization?

In a shocking development yesterday, the Ross Valley Reporter broke a story that 7 time Tour of SanRaflaanderrs Lantern Rouge winner, R.A. Von Schmidt has been connected with a rogue fake-race syndicate, the Racing Very Compassionately group.  The Racing Very Compassionately group, or RVC as they are known, has been in the news recently with their efforts to found an independent fake-race series to compete with the PHRO with a promise to offer fake-race fans a "choice" for a different kind of racing where, to quote their propaganda, "Everyone is nice and nothing is hard."

Reaction was swift among the racing public with local supporters of PHRO and fake-racers alike, swiftly moving to voice their support for the locally founded organization. Opinion was overwhelmingly in favor of PHRO with many noting the high quality of the fake-races they offer, the diversity in the types of courses in the Marin World Cup as well as the strong (if erratic at times) leadership of Chairman Joos Litvalk. Several wondered why VonSchmidt would align himself with such a group as the RVC, noting that PHRO has many times catered to his wishes with regards to sponsorship and calendar timing.

Jonas Lodewick, 3 time RVSR winner and 2 time Marin-Roubaix champion, was quoted as saying, "this is not the VonSchmidt I know and have battled with in years past. The R.A. VonSchmidt I know, is a founding father of the Marin World Cup and I expect that these rumors will be proven false in time. Besides, the RVC is a fantasy, no one wants that kind of environment in a fake-race." 

The Ross Valley Reporter reached out to the RVC and VonSchmidt camps for a response but was unable to obtain a statement at this time.

Robinski Questionable for MWC

After a long winter of sporadic training, the Mad Russian Jimmy Robinski, has been unwilling to confirm his participation in the 2017 Marin World Cup. Once a PHRO stalwart, Robinski has been infrequently spotted on his bike in the past year and there have been many reports that he has become less disciplined in his regimen and has spent the majority of the offseason in his living room, reminiscing about his bygone glory days. Always an unpredictable performer and volatile personality in the peloton, unconfirmed reports this winter claimed that after a particularly poor outing on the Sunday kermess, the Divine Ride, he flew into a rage and cut his home in half with a saw.

Robinski

Robinski's people were quick to disclaim the report saying that it was "part of a normal home remodel and had been planned for that afternoon for many months" but fellow riders in his training groups quietly confirm that his famously cranky temperment has been even worse than usual. One fake-racer, on the condition of anonymity, was quoted as saying "it seemed as though Robinski was constantly yelling that everyone else on the ride had no idea how to ride their bikes and he was the only one who knew what the f*ck they were doing."

Clearly a MWC without Robinski is a somewhat diminished event but who knows the hearts of man? We will continue to monitor the situation report news as it develops.

Stijn Cherry, Baen Van der Standish likely out of MWC

While some fake-racers refuse to accept their fading skills as they age, others acknowledge their diminishing stature and gracefully bid adieu to the pain and suffering that is the world of the Marin World Cup. This year will likely see two legends of the sport tip their caps in a stately farewell to the days of turning a pedal in anger, albeit for drastically different reasons.

Stijn Cherry

Stijn Cherry, legendary hardman of the PHRO, will be absent from this years edition as he has taken a sabbatical from fake racing and elected to spend the next two years in a bid to ride his bike entirely around the globe...twice. When questioned as to the wisdom of his goal, given the vast swaths of ocean, formidable deserts and many regions with no services he will certainly encounter, Cherry merely smirked and claimed that "he would ride his ride, from hotspring to hotspring, and find a way."

Van der Standish

On the other side of the coin, former Dewar's Racing frontman, Baen Van der Standish, has relaxed comfortable into the soft pillow of domestic life without a backwards glance. Van der Standish, once renowned for his iron like mentality on the bike, released himself from his spartan monk-like existance in Sonoma County and decamped South to the hip, human feces and needle filled Haight district of San Franisco. When contacted, Van der Standish seemed surprised to be asked about fake-racing and remarked "my bike? Honestly I haven't seen it in over a year. I believe it's still in storage but truthfully I'm not totally sure." 

We at the Ross Valley Reports pour out a sip of our Duvel to our absent friends. May they find peace in their new lives.

Ronde von SanRaflaanderras | Official Fake Race Announcement

Hardest Course in Years; Features New Bergs

After much anticipation, delay and many rumors both true and false, PHRO today released the route for the reborn Ronde von SanRaflaanderran. Long considered the centerpiece in the semi-precious stone encrusted crown that is the Marin World Cup, the Tour of SanRaflaanderrs (as it's colloquially known) has been the yardstick by which fake racers county-wide take the measure of their worth. Often compared to it's sister event, the Tour of Flanders, which shares it's menu of mixed terrain, narrow roads, winding parcors, and short, viciously hard climbs or hellingen, the RVSR is generally considered the harder but also more prestigious version of it's Belgian brethren. The victors who survive to make the last climb to the top of the podium, are only fractionally less defeated than those a step down but who stand for all time in the halls of greatness.

The course for the revived 2017 Tour of SanRaflandeers is both an homage to editions past and also a clear signal to a bright and demanding future. The route runs roughly 20 miles entirely constrained within the Ross Valley and eschews the out of district sorties that had become a more common feature of the most recent versions. Many of the climbs are familiar standards of the early years such as the Gerstleberg, Legendberg and the always fierce Havenberg while PHRO has added in new challenges such as the mixed surface Laurelberg, the lengthy Legendberg and a new climb, the fearsomely steep and long Cuestaberg that also features a hotspot sprint just before the summit.

With 13 hellingen in total, PHRO has arguably created the hardest SanRaflaanderrs ever which, given the fake-races two year absence, is a fitting reintroduction to the legion of fans who will undoubtedly line the course to cheer the combatants.

Event Schedule: 
Saturday, April 15th

3:00 pm – Ceremonial parade departure from the Hushvod Boosters Clubhouse new location: Log Cabin @ Memorial Park
3:30 pm – Group starts Cerrosberg
5:00 pm – 1st Rider starts Laurelberg
5:15 pm – Results and podium ceremony.

*******This event is run entirely for fun and not for profit. To borrow a phrase: "The less fun you have, the more you'll pay." Anyone over the age of 18 is welcome to attend. Registration is free but the promoter is accepting donations. Leffe, Duvel and Stella Artois are preferred but anything of Western European origin is acceptable currency. Anyone found taking this event seriously will be banished from all Marin World Cup events for a time period no less than 1 year. Also, you will suck. Safety first.********

1st third: https://goo.gl/maps/8ukSDVvTso62
2nd third: https://goo.gl/maps/AJXy3r4Fj7P2
last third: https://goo.gl/maps/sEMk5BNKKfn

BREAKING Cyclish News: Hushvod Denied Visa, GP Ken Hushvod Rescheduled

PHRO Postpones GPKH, shuffles MWC calendar due to True Travel Ban

Litvalk looking "faded" at the 
tanning salon

In a shocking development today, PHRO released a press statement today stating that the GP Ken Hushvod has been postponed and the entire slate of MWC fake races has been rescheduled for later dates.
In the statement, PHRO Chairman, Joos Litvalk explained the change as being due to Ken Hushvod, the fake-race's namesake, being stuck outside the county as a result of the Trump travel ban invalidating all Marin resident visas for individuals not meeting certain "requirements."

Hushvod choking on a 'meat stick'

Litvalk was not able to elaborate on which "requirements" were not met but some pundits are speculating  that Hushvod was stranded in Reno, NV while on a meat smuggling trip. Hushvod's proclivity towards carnivorism is well documented with multiple sources confirming his extraordinary intake of sausages and other cured delicacies.

The revised schedule for the MWC is as follows:

Marin World Cup

2017

REVISED SCHEDULE

Grand Prix Ken Hushvod

Sunday, April 2nd

3pm

Marin-Roubaix

Sunday, April 9th

3pm

Ronde von SanRaflaanderran

SATURDAY, April 15th

3pm

Marin-Roubaix Official Fake Race Announcement

Updated Route Adds New Sectors, Longer Distance

PHRO released the course map today for the 5th running of L'Marin-Roubaix, the middle event in the historic Marin World Cup. 

After a two year recess, the revamped course has a new "figure 8" course that addresses the controversial closure of the iconic "Railroad d'Arenberg" sector that has been a signature feature in the course in years past. The commencement portion will the usual fast and furious appetizer before the main course of the off road sections where riders will face a series of 5 challenging sections of pavé with the key sectors being the 5 Star "L'Camp Chinois" and "Levee Santa Venetia." Once the riders exit L'Civic Centre, they will cross over into Terra L'Inda and head north on an approach to L'Ecole du St Vincents, a remote sector that was used in a past Marin-Roubaix but abandoned as it was deemed too demanding. Replacing the standard final segment is a new portion of Railroad d'Arenberg" before a final twisty, technical route through the town to the "L'Ecole du SanRafael" historic velodrome for the finish.

Event Schedule: 
Sunday, April 2nd

3:00 pm – Ceremonial parade departure from the former Hushvod Boosters Clubhouse on B St, San Rafael. 3:15 pm – Neutral Zone Ends
3:20 pm – San Rafael City Limit Hot Spot Sprint. 
3:45 pm – 1 Section of pavé. (estimated).
4:20 pm – 1st Rider enters L'Ecole du St Vincents. (estimated)
4:45 pm – 1st Rider exits Railroad d'Arenberg. (estimated) 
5:00 pm – 1st Rider enters L'Ecole du SanRafael finishing circuit. (estimated) 
5:15 pm – Results and podium ceremony.

*******This event is run entirely for fun and not for profit. To borrow a phrase: "The less fun you have, the more you'll pay." Anyone over the age of 18 is welcome to attend. Registration is free but the promoter is accepting donations. Leffe, Duvel and Stella Artois are preferred but anything of Western European origin is acceptable currency. Anyone found taking this event seriously will be banished from all Marin World Cup events for a time period no less than 1 year. Also, you will suck. Safety first.********

Full Size Map: 
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B5oCSlDzc58AQTI1UEw2TDlpMUE/view?usp=sharing