Ronde von SanRaflaanderran Final Countdown

Favorites and Dark Horses Alike, Prepped for SanRaflaanderrs 2010

On the eve of what many would call the biggest fake race of the season, tensions are running high among the riders who are listed as probable starters for the running of the 2010 edition of the Ronde von SanRaflaanderran. While other high profile fake races such as the Marin-Roubaix, the Paskenta-Chico Classic and the Grand Prix Ken Hushvod are certainly worthwhile fake titles, there is no question among the cycling gentry about which crown is prized above all others. A rider who can count themselves among the finishers can stand tall among his peers 'til the end of his days and for the lone soldier who crosses the finish line before his competitors they can count this season a success, even if they never enter another race.

So such are the stakes that will be contested on the lonely roads, punishing streets and savage bergs of tomorrows fake race. While Jonas Lodewick has shown top form by taking both of the first two races in the Marin World Cup with a convincing performance in the GP Ken Hushvod and a hard fought but somewhat Pyrrhic victory in the Marin-Roubaix, the ever present menace of long time rivals Ken Hushvod and Marcus Clijisters, either of whom could seize the day, is reason enough for trepidation. And one can never count out the dark horses. Strongmen like R.A. vonSchmidt, Stijn Cherry, Dario Fredericcio and Baen Van derStandish are waiting in the wings, ready to snatch victory at the slimmest of chances.

Curiously absent these recent cold and painful weeks has been defending champion Van vonSimeon who stamped his name on the trophy with a valorous early breakaway in the 2009 edition. If vonSimeon shows on the start line tomorrow evening, it will be an interesting race indeed.

And so we gird our loins for battle, knowing full well that only one will survive the ordeal and be able to lay claim to being a conquering hero. Will this be a warrior who we know and respect? Or will it perhaps be an unknown who rises to the occasion and embraces their destiny. By this time tomorrow, the answer will be known.

To the victor go the spoils.

Ronde von san Raflaanderran

Presented by PHRO.

April 11st, 2010

6:45pm

1009 B St

San Rafael, CA

Event Schedule:

6:45 pm – Ceremonial parade departure from the Hushvod Boosters Clubhouse on B St, San Rafael.
6:55 pm – Neutral Zone Ends

7:00 pm – Miraberg

7:45 pm – Bridgeberg

8:15 pm – Shaverberg (cima Jimmi)

8:45 pm – Finish (estimated)

9:00 pm – Results and podium ceremony at Hushvod Boosters Clubhouse.

**Sturdy Road or Cross Bikes Recommended**

*******The course starts at B St and finishes at the top of the hill at the San Anselmo Theological Seminary. Maps are provided on request. It is NOT a closed course and riders can be expected to see automobiles, pedestrians, hikers and possibly other cyclists. This event is run entirely for fun and not for profit. To borrow a phrase: "The less fun you have, the more you'll pay." Anyone over the age of 18 is welcome to attend. Registration is free but the promoter is accepting donations.Leffe, Duvel and Stella Artoisare preferred but anything of Western European origin is acceptable currency. Anyone found taking this event seriously will be banished from all Marin World Cup events for a time period no less than 1 year. Also, you will suck. Safety first.********

Breaking News! Hushvod Lands New Sponsors

Ken Hushvod's podium finishes in the first two stages of the Marin World Cup has impressed more than his loyal fan club. Just weeks after signing a lucrative contract with Discovery Channel late last month, Hushvod has added a new sponsor, Italian Helmet maker LAS to his team.

"LAS produces some of the most stylish helmets in the Peleton, so this is a great match for me," said Husband.

Reports that fashion sunglass maker BBB has also been courting Hushvod were confirmed when BBB's top brass were seen lunching with Hushvod at the trendy Poggio restaurant in downtown Sausalito.

"Oh, we had a great lunch," explained Hushvod. But we still need to work out some details. I'd say something will be forthcoming in a few days. I should be riding with new specs at San Raflanders.

There are also reports that Continental tires have stepped up to furnish Hushvod with new rubber for the MWC main event.

I am in striking distance of the crown, right where I want to be" said Hushvod. I will look good, I will finally have glasses I can see through and I will avoid flats with new Conti's. How can I lose?

Stay tuned. This year's San Rafalanders will certainly have fireworks.

Marin-Roubaix Official Start List

Ken Hushvod -

Many Sweats Racing - Presented by Chia Pet

Jonas Lodewick -

Podium Look Lifestyle Clothing

Markus Clijisters -

No-Doze Cycling - Presented by Pampers

(Likely Scratch)

Mathys Foley -

Team Western Grip / Perfect 10

R.A. VonSchmidt -

Whole Life Market Cycling Team

Stijn Cherry -

Northside Wheelmen - Presented by AARP

Alain Foster -

Team Afro Puff / HGTV

Van vonSimeon -

Top Gun Racing

Dario Fredericcio -

Whole Athlete Junior Cycling Team - Presented by Barely Legal

Baen Van derStandish -

Condé Nast Cycling

Joris Carlin -

Team AFR/THC

Jimmy Rominski -

Hot Tub Time Machine

(Honorary starting slot)

Other Starters at pre-race sign in.

(Come one, come all!)

Late Edition Cycling News- ***Marin Roubaix Edition***

Mathys Foley Furious About Near Crash at GPKH

"The Indian" Vows to Make Podium at Marin-Roubaix

After nearly a week of silence following his bitter disappointment at the GP Ken Hushvod, Foley, the rider known to many by his nickname "The Indian" (either a reference to his swarthy bronze complexion or a leftover from his days fronting a Village People cover band) could not contain himself any longer. In an exclusive interview with Club International, Foley held court on a variety of subjects, not the least of which was his intention to race for a podium position, if not the outright win at tomorrow's Marin-Roubaix.

"I certainly have the legs to conquer the Roubaix, the questions is, will anyone have the heart to challenge me?" He continued, "Certainly Lodewick was fast in the Time Trial but in a race against the clock, one does not have to look into the eyes of his enemies while he is racing. Lodewick does not stand a chance against my steely gaze."

Based on reports from sources close to the Foley camp, he certainly has the form to dominate the middle event of the Marin World Cup and quiet the critics who have questioned his dedication after three no-shows in the 2009 edition. Foley's fitness aside, his ejaculations on Lodewick certainly will serve to fuel rumors about his personal life where speculation has been rampant about an alleged affair with R.A. VonSchmidt in 2008. Whether a victory will be sufficient to quell such whispers remains to be seen but, if The Indian is on the warpath at tomorrows start line, it is likely his opponents will be best served to give him a wide berth. Here's to hoping Mathys is able to make it because the Marin World Cup will certainly be poorer for it if he doesn't show.

After Marin-Roubaix Course Pre-Ride, Clijisters says "Neen."

On a reconnoitering mission over the weekend, Markus Clijisters, along with rivals R.A. VonSchmidt and Jonas Lodewick, spent time on the newest sectors of the route, the L'Ecole d'Vincent and the Trouee du McGinniss in order to test equipment and preview the course. After what could only be described as a "punishing" outing, Clijisters has apparently elected to sit out this week's fake race to recover and better prepare for the Ronde von SanRaflaanferran.

"I must be honest...I was knackered. The GPKH took more out of me than I realized and after I got 'The Knock' on Saturday's recon ride, I realized that my form is not where I thought it was. My number one priority is SanRaflaanderrs; The Marin-Roubaix, while very dear to my heart, would only be icing on the cake. I must recover so I can be at my best for my sponsors in a weeks time so I'm heading to my East Coast training facility to rest and hone my form."

Clijisters' decision to "tap out" of the Roubaix is surprising but, given the reports from those who have seen the new L'Ecole d'Vincent and the Trouee du McGinniss sectors, is perhaps not unexpected. According to R.A. VonSchmidt, who rode with Clijisters on Saturday, observed, "The new sections are definitely 5 star. Very hard, very enjoyable and they will certainly figure in the outcome. Chapeau to PHRO for finding the worst roads for us to race on. Bastards."

GP Ken Hushvod Report

Lodewick Takes Repeat Win in MWC Opening Time Trial

On a idyllic evening in the heart of Marin County, Jonas Lodewick once again stormed to victory against a stacked field in the opening event of the 2010 Marin World Cup. As PHRO's spring fake race series has grown in stature, so has the quality of the field and this years edition saw local favorites competing against some of the biggest names in pro-cycling.

As the early riders departed from the start house on Butterfield Road, it was clear that it was going to be a very strenuous night for all involved. With clear skies and balmy temperatures, speeds were going to be high but due to heavy rains in the preceding week, much of the course was still a treacherous bog more suited to hunting orchids than bike racing. Also contributing to a high speeds was a lack of the customary high head winds on the Terra Linda Ridge.

As promised, Markus Clijisters was on form and looked to be the odds on early favorite for victory as he had promised. Spectators on the Indian Rock climb reported that Clijisters looked to be enjoying a "Sunday Ride" as was the ease with which he ascended the fearful ascent. A distant fourth behind Hushvod in 2009, Clijisters appeared to be headed to the triumph that he had predicted only days prior.

As the next rider to start behind Clijisters, Hushvod looked strong early, making an early bid to overtake his 30 second man on the Indian Rock.

It appeared, however that his huge effort on the early climb was a case of the Hedgehog's will writing cheques that his body couldn't cash with Clijisters accelerating away from Hushvod on the descent and increasing his time advantage on the Sorich Park climb.

Perhaps the most disappointing performance of the evening was that of veteran fastman, Mathy's Foley whose non-start in 2009 crippled what would have been a otherwise stellar campaign.

Although he admitted during his pre-race press conference that his course knowledge was virtually non-existent, big things were still expected of the East Bay speedster who shot out of the starthouse like his bike was on fire. Only three turns in, however, his aspirations were derailed by local hooligans on the course who waylaid Foley by loosing their dog onto the course as he was approaching the Indian Rock climb. Only a skillful piece of bike handling prevented what surely would have been a spectacular and likely catastrophic crash. Mathy's chances for victory, however, were blown.

All the pieces were falling into place for a Clijisters victory with Hushvod's collapse, Foley's misshap and a stunning lack of form displayed by several other, supposedly stronger combatants. Those whose emotions were running high at the expectation of a Clijisters triumph, had their hopes dashed abruptly when Lodewick attacked the course. One awed bystander described Lodewick's ascent of the Indian Rock to be "as though he were being chased by the Devil himself." It quickly became clear as he stormed through Sorich Park that Lodewick was in a class by himself on this day.

Hushvod, meanwhile, was able to, seemingly by sheer will, grit out a narrow podium spot over a more accomplished rival to save face in the fake race that bears his name. A perhaps somewhat Pyrrhic victory, depending on how it affects his performance in the rest of the MWC, but a victory none the less.

GP Ken Hushvod RESULTS

Placing	Rider	Elapsed Time	Gap
1	Jonas Lodewick	20:21	-
2	Markus Clijsters	21:38	1:17
3	Ken Hushvod	23:18	2:57
4	Fabian Cancellara	23:20	2:59
5	J.A. Flecha	23:38	3:17
6	Philipe Gilbert	23:52	3:31
7	Tom Boonen	24:05	4:44
8	Cadel Evans	28:52	8:31
9	Mathys Foley	DNF	(Relegated)
10	Stijn Cherry	DNS	(Protest)

Late Edition Cycling News

VonSchmidt Continues Not Training

True to form (or perhaps true to lack of form), R.A. vonSchmidt, 3 time San

Raflaanderrs Lantern Rouge "winner" has reported that he is right on track to claim an unprecedented 4th crown in this year's race. Attributing his spectacularly lugubrious pace as a product of his "tantric training" method, vonSchmidt has also reportedly been engaged in a prolonged session of sleep deprivation. VonSchmidt's trainer, manager and dominatrix Leeza Kanningmaeker, claims that her highly experimental system of forced domestic labor, mandatory child rearing and no sleep, yields a rider who can barely turn over the pedals much less fight for a position at the front of the bunch.

Kanningmaeker has also forced out vonSchmidt's long time sponsor, Duvel and replaced them with a consortium of backers that includes Enfamil, Playskool and Peg-Perego. "We must succeed in completely breaking his spirit in order to achieve the necessary levels of non-fitness. With Hushvod's recent period of sloth and Stijn Cherry's semi-retirement, this year will be the most difficult yet. VonSchmidt will thank me when he dons the Red Jersey for the 4th time in 4 years."

While many bookmakers are laying heavy odds on Hushvod to usurp the Lantern Rouge this year based, (no doubt on his two months of utter inactivity during the off-season), a betting man would be hard pressed to look past the obvious dedication of vonSchmidt to his craft.

Johann Finley Rumored to Have Founded Cult

Where is Jimmy Hoffa's body? Who shot JFK? How much wood can a woodchuck chuck? Add one more to of the great mysteries of our time:

What has become of Johnn Finley?

A promising up-and-comer at the 2008 San Raflaanderrs, Finley was expected to challenge for the top step of the podium in 2009 but in a shocking turn of events, he has never again been seen in the roads of Marin. In a disappearing act worthy of Houdini, not a trace has been seen of the promising espoir and, while his starting ticket is still punched for the 2010 Ronde, finding anyone willing to wager on his appearance is a difficult prospect indeed.

The most widely believed story has Finley living in a remote area of Uzbekistan, having started his own cult, "The Lung Society" with his life partner Sarah Ferdinanhaus serving as "Supreme Respiratory Mother." If reports are to be believed, the practices of this group are mainly focused on increasing VO2 max and vascular efficiency with rituals conducted in the strictest solitude. All will miss seeing the obvious potential of this promising athlete as Finley's MWC career has seemingly gone the way of Zabriskie:

Down.

Van vonSimeon...

Where is the People's Champion?

In continuing in our theme of disappearing acts, we would be remiss if we did not at least call attention to the notably absent from competition Van vonSimeon. After his brash prediction of victory prior to the 2009 Ronde and his subsequent stirring triumph, the Gorilla has been nowhere to be found on the roads of Marin.

The "official" statement released by his PR firm, Crusty, Crunchy & Cranky, claims that vonSimeon has been spending the off-season in pursuit of his like long dream of becoming a stunt pilot for the circus. CC&C has even released an obviously doctored photo of vonSimeon in the cockpit of a plane that he is allegedly flying. Close inspection by a crack team of analysts has revealed, however, that this picture is an obvious forgery and that the "plane" is actually a false backdrop constructed of paper mache.

A second photo has been leaked by an unnamed source that shows the actual activities that vonSimeon has been pursuing, and it's NOT training:

Safe to say that the top step of the podium is likely safe from the clutches of this Gorilla in 2010.

GP Ken Hushvod ***POSTPONED***

Time Trial Rescheduling Pushes Marin World Cup Back 7 Days

In a not-unexpected announcement at noon today, PHRO president Joos Litvalk announced that the GP Ken Hushvod Time Trial would be rescheduled to April 7th, 7 days from today due to concerns about the course safety caused by inclement weather.

Litvalk reiterated his statement from last night that "The safety of the riders and the integrity of the event is of paramount importance. We will not subject our fake racers to fake race conditions that are beyond the bounds of human tolerance. "

Several of the riders, most notably Stijn Cherry, pointed out that "The 'bounds of human tolerance' were obviously not taken into consideration when the race organizers sent us up the goddamn Crestberg in 2008 or up the Roche d’Indien last year. Obviously Litvalk's concern only extends as far as his pet rider's tolerance for the cold."

Stijn's oblique reference to a "pet rider" may or may not refer to Jonas Lodewick whose clothing sponsor Valentino, has reportedly been very active behind the scene in pressuring PHRO Chairman Litvalk into avoiding rainy conditions. One can only speculate that this may be a result of Lodewick's legendary sartorial daring when it comes to cycling style and a desire by Valentino to have his custom kit creations remain unsullied by rain. Or, to the more pessimistic, it could refer to Lodewick's well known aversion to water and/or bathing.

Regardless, the new schedule for the Marin World Cup is as follows:

April 7th : GP Ken Hushvod TT

April 14th : Marin-Roubaix

April 21st : Ronde von SanRaflaanderran

GP Ken Hushvod In Danger of Postponement

With the GP Ken Hushvod Time Trial slated for its traditional March 31st start date, there is much speculation among the cyclorati regarding the possible postponement or even cancellation of the event. While cold, wet and windy weather are de rigeur for the Marin World Cup, weather forecasts are predicting the arrival of near cyclonic conditions for Wednesday evening.

PHRO President Joos Litvalk is making no definite decision either way as of yet but was quoted as saying, "While we all yearn in our heart of hearts for conditions that test both the body and spirit of the competitors, PHRO does not condone cruel and unusual racing and will re-schedule the GP Ken Hushvod if necessary to protect the safety and integrity of the event."

While his statement was greeted with bemusement by many of the riders who, no doubt questioned Litvalks definition of "cruel and unusual racing" given this years course for the Ronde von SanRaflaanderran, support for rescheduling the GPKH was nearly unanimous. Prohibitive least favorite and 3 time Lantern Rouge holder R.A. vonSchmidt expressed his support for Litvalks judgement saying, "I do not want my ruby red placing to be sullied by unnecessary mechanicals or crashes by other riders. My last-placing must be legitimate or it is worth nothing."

One rider who seemed to be the lone voice of dissent was

Stijn Cherry whose legendary hard-man credentials are the stuff that myths are made of. "Litvalk is going to change the date because of a little rain and wind? Pffagh! Eddie would be rolling in his grave if he was dead by now. If they quadrupled the distance and raced in the rain THEN this might actually become a worthwhile event. PHRO is run by a passel of nancy-boys who cater to the fragile physique of that pretty boy Lodewick. I'm going to go clean my bike. With my tongue. And kerosene."

PHRO is setting a 12pm PST deadline tomorrow (Wednesday) for a Go/No Go decision on a race start. Stay tuned.....