Late Edition Cycling News

VonSchmidt Continues Not Training

True to form (or perhaps true to lack of form), R.A. vonSchmidt, 3 time San

Raflaanderrs Lantern Rouge "winner" has reported that he is right on track to claim an unprecedented 4th crown in this year's race. Attributing his spectacularly lugubrious pace as a product of his "tantric training" method, vonSchmidt has also reportedly been engaged in a prolonged session of sleep deprivation. VonSchmidt's trainer, manager and dominatrix Leeza Kanningmaeker, claims that her highly experimental system of forced domestic labor, mandatory child rearing and no sleep, yields a rider who can barely turn over the pedals much less fight for a position at the front of the bunch.

Kanningmaeker has also forced out vonSchmidt's long time sponsor, Duvel and replaced them with a consortium of backers that includes Enfamil, Playskool and Peg-Perego. "We must succeed in completely breaking his spirit in order to achieve the necessary levels of non-fitness. With Hushvod's recent period of sloth and Stijn Cherry's semi-retirement, this year will be the most difficult yet. VonSchmidt will thank me when he dons the Red Jersey for the 4th time in 4 years."

While many bookmakers are laying heavy odds on Hushvod to usurp the Lantern Rouge this year based, (no doubt on his two months of utter inactivity during the off-season), a betting man would be hard pressed to look past the obvious dedication of vonSchmidt to his craft.

Johann Finley Rumored to Have Founded Cult

Where is Jimmy Hoffa's body? Who shot JFK? How much wood can a woodchuck chuck? Add one more to of the great mysteries of our time:

What has become of Johnn Finley?

A promising up-and-comer at the 2008 San Raflaanderrs, Finley was expected to challenge for the top step of the podium in 2009 but in a shocking turn of events, he has never again been seen in the roads of Marin. In a disappearing act worthy of Houdini, not a trace has been seen of the promising espoir and, while his starting ticket is still punched for the 2010 Ronde, finding anyone willing to wager on his appearance is a difficult prospect indeed.

The most widely believed story has Finley living in a remote area of Uzbekistan, having started his own cult, "The Lung Society" with his life partner Sarah Ferdinanhaus serving as "Supreme Respiratory Mother." If reports are to be believed, the practices of this group are mainly focused on increasing VO2 max and vascular efficiency with rituals conducted in the strictest solitude. All will miss seeing the obvious potential of this promising athlete as Finley's MWC career has seemingly gone the way of Zabriskie:

Down.

Van vonSimeon...

Where is the People's Champion?

In continuing in our theme of disappearing acts, we would be remiss if we did not at least call attention to the notably absent from competition Van vonSimeon. After his brash prediction of victory prior to the 2009 Ronde and his subsequent stirring triumph, the Gorilla has been nowhere to be found on the roads of Marin.

The "official" statement released by his PR firm, Crusty, Crunchy & Cranky, claims that vonSimeon has been spending the off-season in pursuit of his like long dream of becoming a stunt pilot for the circus. CC&C has even released an obviously doctored photo of vonSimeon in the cockpit of a plane that he is allegedly flying. Close inspection by a crack team of analysts has revealed, however, that this picture is an obvious forgery and that the "plane" is actually a false backdrop constructed of paper mache.

A second photo has been leaked by an unnamed source that shows the actual activities that vonSimeon has been pursuing, and it's NOT training:

Safe to say that the top step of the podium is likely safe from the clutches of this Gorilla in 2010.