Cycling News - Early Report

Clijisters Furious About 2010 Victory Snub

Says 2010 RVSR Win Was Not Properly Acknowledged

Friday, in a furious, expletive laced tirade, Markus Clijisters of Team Northside told anyone who would listen (and more than a few who didn’t) that he feels slighted by PHRO for his 2011 Ronde von SanRaflaanderranI victory. “You’re goddamned right that I f***ing feel f***ing pissed about how I was f***ing treated by that son-of-a-motherless-goat c**k sucker Litvalk and his PHRO lackeys! I won that race in legendary style, with panache and f***ing balls the size of cantaloupes! And what did I get for it? Jack f***ing s**t!”

Clijisters’ claims, while certainly not civil, are not necessarily unwarranted. After an impressive victory in which he broke away on an un-named berg just past the mid-point of the route and held of a furious chase by Lodewick (whose second consecutive runner-up finish is starting to look like a Boonen-esque trend) to claim victory in spectacular fashion, he was denied even the opportunity to stand on the top step podium and spray the champagne as PHRO, claiming they were on tight budget, cancelled the victory ceremony without warning. In fact, even the SanRaflaandrien, Marin’s local cycling news daily, refrained from doing a race report and write up. Curious for sure and many questioned that Joos Litvalk’s close ties to Jonas Lodewick had something to do with the lack of coverage for Clijisters’ triumphant ride.

Will Clijisters be able to channel his rage onto the pave to claim a second consecutive SanRaflaanderrs crown and get his much deserved pedal party? We shall have your answer in one month’s time.

Hushvod Tips Foley as Favorite for SanRaflaanderrs

Claims navigation issues are under control.

Local hero, 2008 San Raflaanderrs champion and Nair shill, Ken Hushvod fingered Matheys Foley as the odds on favorite for the top step at this years’ RVSR in a recent interview with Charlie Rose.

“I have a hard time looking past Foley when it comes to who is going the best right now. Clijisters has spent most of the winter lying on the tarmac, Cherry is living like a Geisha, VanVonSimeon is nowhere to be found and Lodewick, who has missed all his traditional preparation races, can’t seem to find his way past second place. Mark my words, this is the year of Matheys.”

Certainly an interesting pick by the local legend as Foley, while always considered a threat due to his ever present fitness, has historically had a hard time keeping his internal compass pointed to True North which has resulted in some very untimely course deviations and has earned him the unofficial nickname “MapQuest” in the bunch.” Without fail these past mis-directions have been blamed on poor in-car communication and incomplete pre-race map study but at some point, one must wonder is the problem on paper or in the head?

PHRO Announces Marin World Cup Dates.

GP Ken Hushvod Folds due to lack of funding

In what is arguably the most anticipated press conference every year in the world of cycling, last night Joos Litvalk, President and Head Chucklehead of PHRO Racing, announced that

The Marin-Roubaix and the Ronde von SanRaflaanderran will be held on April 12^th and 19^th respectively. These dates represent a return to the original Tuesday evening schedule that many teams, fans and riders had requested. Unfortunately, the GP Ken Hushvod has folded due to the race organizers inability to secure adequate funding for time keeping and course marshals. Litvalk defended the decision in the announcement, stating, “The Ronde and Marin Roubaix are the core of our classics season while the GPKH, though a worthy event, was not up to the same level of popularity with the fans and riders.”

Details Leak About SanRaflaanderrs Route

While the official route unveiling is not scheduled for 2 weeks, some reported specifics have been bandied about out this years RVSR parcours including a claim that PHRO has uncovered several, as yet, unknown bergs. Joos Litvalk, when questioned about these rumors, declined to give specifics and paused only long enough to say, “It will be the old and the new, the borrowed and the blue.”

What exactly this means is unclear but Cyclingnews Flemmish correspondent, Jorgen Burgerbogen believes that this refers to a return to several of the classic bergs and that the course will feature even more punishing pave. “I wouldn’t be at all surprised to any or all of the legendary Marin bergs in this years race. The Gerstleberg, the Irwinberg, the Crownberg and (thought many riders may tremble at this thought) the dreaded Kingberg could all make an appearance.”

This would certainly hold with the PHRO philosophy of late that has seen an ever harder parcours with ever more bergs in the last several years. After the 2010 edition saw a record 11 bergs, one can hardly imagine what PHRO’s dungeon masters will drum up for the riders in 2011.

Has Cherry Gone Soft?

The Patron of the Peloton, Stijn Cherry, who has been ever known for his legendary toughness, has apparently been living a life of leisure in the off-season and many are questioning if his trademark grit is slowly being leached from his body by his nubile, young, live-in concubine. Famous for waking up before dawn to train in all kinds of weather, Cherry has reported to have not woken up before noon in over 6 months! Furthermore an unnamed source has been quoted as having seen Cherry being fed peeled grapes by his muse while reclining on a bed of rose petals while listening to bootleg Barbara Streisand recordings. While, one must certainly give the grizzled veteran the benefit of the doubt, the track record of riders living a soft life and arriving at the San Raflaanders start-line unprepared for the savagery of the undertaking is not positive.

Paskenta Blood Control Coverup???

Hushvod, VanDerStandish, Lodewick all pulled from start line with no explanation.

The cycling world has been abuzz of late after Ken Hushvod, Baen VanDerStandish and Jonus Lodewick, two of whom are former San Raflaanderrs champions were hurriedly ushered away from the start-line in Chico just prior to the flag dropping for the start of Paskenta, the traditional Marin World Cup warm-up race.

While Hushvod had made clear his intentions were for training miles only, Lodewick and VanDerStandish had both indicated their intentions to compete for the win. Rumors have since surfaced that the scratches were possibly due to irregular blood values and the WADA is looking to the possibility that all three had far below the requisite THC levels in their systems.

Allegation have immediately begun to spring up that Hushvod, Lodewich and VanDerStandish have been “racing clean,” which, if proven, could have disastrous results for the riders, teams and their sponsors. More on this story as it develops.