Rumor Mill: Former Champ Hushvold To Miss Marin-Roubaix?

Sometimes the world is a truly cruel place. In what will certainly become a huge blow to PHRO, the Ken Hushvod Boosters, the township of San Rafael and Hushvold himself, rumors are circulating that former champion Ken Hushvod will not be at the start of the 2012 Marin Roubaix.

After signing a huge contract with Walgreens/HP earlier this year, Hushvod apparently lost significant control of his racing and personal schedule. Hushvod is apparently being compelled to ride in the Walgreens GP based in Deerfield, IL. Walgreens, a major sponsor and contributor to Hushvod's many charities has demanded his presence in the inaugural Deerfield race.

"I am devastated, truly devastated!" said a member of the Hushvod boosters found outside Cafe Roma in San Rafael. "I know Ken had big plans for this year's edition of the Marin World Cup. He has been so strong lately. I know he wanted the overall victory this year. Joos must change the date! The Marin Roubaix without Hushvod? The race will not exist for me!"

Apparently a few protesters outside the San Rafael Wells Fargo were asking for Joos Lodewick's head because of the date change of this ever popular race. However, it has been reported that even if the race was held on the normal Wednesday night, Hushvod would still be unable to attend. A high ranking official at Walgreens has stated that Hushvod will be "performing his contracted duties" for the entire week.

Hushvod and Walgreens/HP issued "no comment" at press time, and Joos Lodewick, PHRO president did not return several calls.

2012 SanRaflaanderrs Course Announced

PHRO Releases Route to Public

Foray into the North, Monte SanRafaael Produces Mixed Reactions

With his typical aplomb, PHRO President and Head Jackmonkey, Joos Lodewick, held court today at the 2012 Ronde vonSanRaflaanderran Route Presentation Gala,

unveiling a parcors that has turned the fake bike racing world on its collective ear. Never, in the multi-month history of the Ronde, has a route so thoroughly flouted tradition while simultaneously paying homage to its esteemed heritage. The revealing of the route was greeted with audible gasps of shock, awe, outrage, disinterest and delight, in equal measures. What is all the fuss about? Where to begin...

At the outset, the 2012 course starts as the first ever Ronde finished; with the seldom used Highlandberg, the climb where Jonas Lodewick launched his attack as well as his career in 2007. At this point, all looks well and normal but riders are in for a nasty surprise as the Highlandberg only serves as an amuse bouche before they are slapped in the face with the daunting slopes of the mighty Monte-SanRafaael. A lofty peak that whose summit is only reachable by an unpaved goat track of a road, the Monte-SanRafaael has never been included in SanRaflaanderrs and many traditionalists are claiming that, due to it's length, gradient and elevation, it is not appropriate for inclusion in the Ronde, where traditionally the shorter and steeper bergs have been the signature feature in the fake race.

The fun doesn't stop there as the fake-race will take a rare detour into Northern SanRaflaanderrs, a remote region normally reserved for strip malls, office parks and more importantly, The Marin-Roubaix. While the Ronde will not tackle the famed Railroad d'Arenberg, trips to the north are rare enough that those who were skeptical of the Monte-SanRafaael will only have more fuel for their luddite, traditionalist fire.

After a quick bump over the Fawnberg, the group will be treated to a quick foray into

the depths of Sleepy Hollow where riders will attempt to maintain traction on the gravely grades of the never before used Winkleberg. For many, this would be a full day's riding but at this point, the Ronde is only at the halfway mark. With more new ascents of the fearsome Ironberg (which many are calling this year's (Kingberg) and Scenicberg back to back, many will surely be feeling the effort as the fake-race returns to more well known locales.

The final course in this smorgasbord of suffering is the terrible trio of the Humbleberg, the venerable Redwoodberg and the grusomely steep Havenberg which were made famous by the daring and victorious escape of Markus Clijisters in the 2010 edition. All that is left is a final sprint up to the hilltop chapel and the finish line.

Stay tuned next week for rider interviews and reactions from the Presentation Gala and Press Conference.

PHRO Announces 2012 Marin World Cup Dates

Both Fake-Races Move to Sunday Afternoon - Reaction Mixed

Today, in a move that many had heard whispers of during the offseason, PHRO Head Jack Monkey, Joos Litvalk announced that both the Marin-Roubaix and the Ronde von SanRaflaanderran would be moving from their tradition and historic Wednesday night slots to a late Sunday afternoon rollout. While many traditionalists and cycling historians expressed outrage at the audacity Litvalk displayed by casually ignoring centuries of history, most in the pro cycling world greeted the news with tacit approval.

Consensus among the peloton is that the daylight running conditions will cut down on injurys, minimize the off-course navigation issues that have plagued many and improve the fake-racing as a whole. In his typical enigmatic fashion, Litvalk dismissed his detractors by simply stating, "No one liked Picasso until he died either. We are the same."

In contrast, Fox News was quoted as calling for Litvalks head and taking the official position of "Joos Litvalk is a Socialist-Fascist-Marxist-Muslim just like Obama."

There will be much more to come during the lead up to race day including our annual look at the Contenders & Pretenders, our full race previews and as always, rider interviews.

2012 Marin World Cup Schedule:

The Marin-Roubaix

Sunday April 8th

Ronde von SanRaflaanderran

Sunday April 15th

Start times are 3pm for both fake-races.

SanRaflaanderrs Results and Report

Clijisters Gets Redemption; Doubles Up in San Raflaanderrs

Foley, Hushvod Battle to Round Out Podium

“Don’t judge a book by its cover.” This could have likely been the motto of Markus Clijisters at the start line in the Ronde vonSan Raflaanderrs this year after looking like a spent man in last weeks Marin-Roubaix. As late in the fake-race as the summit of the Kingberg, Clijisters looked blown and was unable to hold the wheels of Jonas Lodewick and Ken Hushvod after Clijisters blasted off the front on the lower slopes of the berg. However, with a last gasp attack on the rise to the finish, Clijisters surprised everyone and was able to hold of the resilient Hushvod and a hard charging Mathys Foley to claim victory for the second year running. After animating much of the fake-race, a disappointed and visibly exhausted Lodewick faded to a distant 5^th place after looking strong in the finale.

Clijisters was ecstatic on the podium and professed to much self doubt throughout the course of the night but claimed that his belief in himself and his “personal strength of character” was carry him to victory. He was quoted as saying, “I don’t believe in miracles, I just believe in Markus Clijisters.”

How the Fake Race Unfolded

It was a balmy evening when a tense group took to the streets in search of the SanRaflaanderrs crown. The first several kilometers were tense and jumpy until the first lump of the day. The Raquetberg served to take some of the sauce out of the legs of the participants with Ken Hushvod jumping off the front to take the early sprint point and the rewards of (1) Schrader tube from Performance Bike. Soon after on the Knollberg, a savage and broken saw-tooth of a climb, R.A. vonSchmidt packed it in and got in his team car saying, “C’est Fin.” The Lantern Rouge competition was done and done.

Over the smooth and easy Blackberg, Springberg and the new and savagely steep Springberg-extansion, the peloton stayed largely intact despite repeated attempts to fracture the bunch. Indeed the status quo reigned over the Generalberg as well and through the feed-zone at Der Redwuud Hyeskool until, just past the midpoint of the fake-race, Foley and Hushvod sprang off the front in a bid for a break. Hushvod was quickly thwarted however by an untimely double puncture but was able to rejoin to group due to quick assistance from the neutral support vehicle.

Civility was the order of the day up the Overberg and the Orangeberg but it was subtly apparent that many legs were feeling the affects of repeated blows to the system. Hostility broke out again however on the vaunted Kingberg with Clijisters launching an early attack on the lower slopes before being quickly swallowed up and dropped by a rampaging Lodwick who blew by Clijisters with a Hedgehog stuck to his back wheel. The steep and technical descent and the ensuing twisty run up to the Bridgeberg was run at maximum speed, stringing out the group and eventually blowing Josef Carlenberg, who had earlier looked very strong, out the back, never to be seen again. A small group of 5 formed after the descent before the untamable Lodewick again attacked with fearsome vengeance on an unrated bump, taking with him, yet again, Hushvod. While it looked like the two would fight out between themselves for the victory, a cagey game of Cat and Mouse allowed Clijisters, Thibault Thomas, Stijn Cherry, Krystyn vanDrumm and Mathys Foley to bridge up. Blows were exchanged by all with Hushvod leading Lodewick to the final rise to the finish. Just when, it seemed that one of the two agitators would triumph, Clijisters blasted past with a limpet like Foley attached to his wheel. Hushvod was able to respond but Lodewick was finished. In a stunning display of tenacity, Clijisters was able to hold his gap and claim the top step with Foley (2^nd) and Hushvod (3^rd) rounding out the podium.

Finish:

1 Markus Clijisters 2:14:08

2 Mathys Foley st

3 Ken Hushvod st

4 Thibault Thomas :03

5 Jonas Lodewick :06

6 Stijn Cherry :06

7 Krystyn vanDrumm :08

8 Franke DeKeane :09

9 Josef Carlenberg DNF (MIA)

10 R.A. vonSchmidt DNF (retired)

Ronde vonSan Raflaanderran: Contenders and Pretenders

Favorites Aplenty but Dark Horses Could Surprise All

Ronde vonSan Raflaanderran, one would have to expect that Mathys Foley, the impressive but often misguided talent from the East Baye, would figure prominently after his near miss at Marin-Roubaix. Foley, who never fails to impress with his strength and fitness, is often outfoxed by less strong but more cunning riders due to his tendency to repeatedly put his cards on the table in the first 5k of a fake-race. If Foley can resist the urge to blast of the front like a cruise missile early in the race, he may be wearing the crown on Wednesday.

Also in the mix is last year’s defending SanRaflaanderrs champion, Markus Clijisters who, by virtue of a Ken Hushvod blunder, lucked onto the podium in last weeks Marin-Roubaix. Clijisters, who earns his money on the steep terrain, must be considered a threat after his result in MR on a day where he clearly did not have his best legs…or any legs at all for that matter. Clijisters’ key to victory will being able to shake off Jonas Lodewick and Ken Hushvod, both of whom can wind it up in a bunch sprint.

Speaking of Hushvod and Lodewick, we could see a repeat of last year where they marked each other out of the race, neither willing to drag the other to the line. It has to be said however that Hushvod has not been looking the redoubtable Hedgehog of SanRaflaanderrs of late and has possibly see his best days recede into the distance behind him. Regardless, it would be folly to totally dismiss the pernicious rodent entirely as Carl Spackler would readily attest.

Lodewick on the other hand is another matter entirely. By his own absurd estimation (repeating his claim from 2009) he is not only the prohibitive favorite but also the “2^nd favorite and the 3^rd favorite”…whatever that means. Never short on opinion, Lodewick often borders on the obnoxious with his outrageously self-aggrandizing claims. The only saving grace that endears him to the fans is his uncanny ability to put his money where his proverbial mouth is which, by this reporter’s estimation, must put him in the billionaires’ club. Still, after his impressive display of both canny strategy and field splintering power, a bet against Lodewick is a courageous wager indeed.

Finally, it would be remiss to gloss over the dark horses who lurk quietly waiting to pounce on victory if the big names spend too much time looking and shouting at one another. One such horse would be the wizened veteran Stijn Cherry who, despite a strong showing at the Marin-Roubaix, didn’t figure prominently in the finale. Early season gossip brought wind of the tough-as-nails- Cherry having taken up with a foreign live in Geisha which, in the words of a source close to Stijn, has “made him soft as a down feather resting on the freshly lotioned derriere of a teenage prostitute.” What exactly this missive is supposed to mean is unclear but one never knows when it may be “Stijn Time” again.

Also rumored to be taking the start is a last minute addition from Team Multi-Sport, Franke DeKeane who was treated to his PHRO deflowering in the 2010 edition of der Ronde. While there was no doubting that the sometime swimmer, sometime runner was a “fish out of water” as the saying goes, it’s hard not to admire his determination and grit in finishing in the main pack last year. Indeed, stranger things have happened in the world of PHRO than a former triathlete like DeKeane claiming the crown in this, the hardest of the spring classics.

Hushvod Inks Emergency Deal with Arm & Hammer

New sponsor teams with Dr Scholls, others to solve problem before SanRaflaanderrs

After the “Dominican Drench Job” as it’s being dubbed, Ken Hushvod has convened an emergency task force to combat the perspiration issue that blinded him in the finale of Marin-Roubaix and cost him a spot on the podium.

“Along with Arm & Hammer, who are known for their expertise in moisture absorbing powders, we have assembled a crack team with cooperation from Dr Scholls, Headsweats and the European Perspiration Foundation to find a workable solution for the Ronde, Hushvod’s manager J.O. Plokinskiberg read in a press statement.

“We expect a level of cooperation between all parties on par with the best F1 racing teams. For this to cost Hushvod a chance at victory is not an outcome we are willing to accept.”

Will the assembled might of such beauty industry heavyweight be enough to stem the proverbial salty tide? We shall know tomorrow…

Fake Race Preview: Ronde vonSan Raflaanderran

Kingberg Looms Large For Contendors

With the 105^th edition of the Ronde vonSan Raflaanderran set to happen on Tuesday evening, tensions are at a fever pitch among riders, press and fans. Unlike recent years where his bombast and quotable mouth has been a near pre-race certainty, PHRO Chairman, President and CEO, Joos Litvalk has been unusually reserved this season. Perhaps he is letting the course do the talking this year as everyone who is anyone certainly cringed when they first saw the route for the 2011 fake-race.

On paper, it would seem that this year’s course is a step back from the 11 bergs and extended pave sections from the 2010 race, which saw a wily attack on an unmarked hill, spring Markus Clijisters to victory. However, those who know the area are certainly familiar with many of the fearsome bergs that dot the route, in particular, the new and little know Knollberg, a new and brutally steep extension to the familiar Springberg and the ever daunting Kingberg.

The Kingberg, though it has only been included once, affected the 2009 Ronde so dramatically that it has earned a place in cycing lore along side the other legendary climbs like l’Alp d’Huez, the Koppenberg, the Mortiriolo and the Côte de la Redoute. Most famous perhaps is the manner in which it systematically demolished Clijisters and totally decimated the chasing bunch who looked to be gaining on the lead trio of Baen Van derStandish, Jonas Lodewick, and the eventual victor, "the Gorilla" Van vonSimeon.

In an interesting change of strategy this year, PHRO has elected to place the final berg nearly 20km from the finish and while there are certainly several lumps in the road over that distance, the finish is essentially flat.

Conspiracy theorists are postulating that this is a direct result of Lodewick’s cozy relationship with PHRO Head Joos Litvalk and is designed to get the burly sprinter to the finish in the lead group. Despite much pre-fake-race boasting, Lodewick has not much to show for his bluster other than a string of podium finished in the Ronde since winning in 2006. Last year he was shown the door by a wily and cunning Clijisters after, in 2009, Van vonSimeon simply rode away from him over the top of the Fairberg barely halfway into the route.

Regardless, early reports from riders out to reconnoiter the parcours, are saying that this is the hardest edition of the Ronde vonSanRaflaanderrs yet. If this is indeed the case, we should have a deserving victor come Tuesday night.

Hope to see you there!