SanRaflaanderrs Results and Report

Clijisters Gets Redemption; Doubles Up in San Raflaanderrs

Foley, Hushvod Battle to Round Out Podium

“Don’t judge a book by its cover.” This could have likely been the motto of Markus Clijisters at the start line in the Ronde vonSan Raflaanderrs this year after looking like a spent man in last weeks Marin-Roubaix. As late in the fake-race as the summit of the Kingberg, Clijisters looked blown and was unable to hold the wheels of Jonas Lodewick and Ken Hushvod after Clijisters blasted off the front on the lower slopes of the berg. However, with a last gasp attack on the rise to the finish, Clijisters surprised everyone and was able to hold of the resilient Hushvod and a hard charging Mathys Foley to claim victory for the second year running. After animating much of the fake-race, a disappointed and visibly exhausted Lodewick faded to a distant 5^th place after looking strong in the finale.

Clijisters was ecstatic on the podium and professed to much self doubt throughout the course of the night but claimed that his belief in himself and his “personal strength of character” was carry him to victory. He was quoted as saying, “I don’t believe in miracles, I just believe in Markus Clijisters.”

How the Fake Race Unfolded

It was a balmy evening when a tense group took to the streets in search of the SanRaflaanderrs crown. The first several kilometers were tense and jumpy until the first lump of the day. The Raquetberg served to take some of the sauce out of the legs of the participants with Ken Hushvod jumping off the front to take the early sprint point and the rewards of (1) Schrader tube from Performance Bike. Soon after on the Knollberg, a savage and broken saw-tooth of a climb, R.A. vonSchmidt packed it in and got in his team car saying, “C’est Fin.” The Lantern Rouge competition was done and done.

Over the smooth and easy Blackberg, Springberg and the new and savagely steep Springberg-extansion, the peloton stayed largely intact despite repeated attempts to fracture the bunch. Indeed the status quo reigned over the Generalberg as well and through the feed-zone at Der Redwuud Hyeskool until, just past the midpoint of the fake-race, Foley and Hushvod sprang off the front in a bid for a break. Hushvod was quickly thwarted however by an untimely double puncture but was able to rejoin to group due to quick assistance from the neutral support vehicle.

Civility was the order of the day up the Overberg and the Orangeberg but it was subtly apparent that many legs were feeling the affects of repeated blows to the system. Hostility broke out again however on the vaunted Kingberg with Clijisters launching an early attack on the lower slopes before being quickly swallowed up and dropped by a rampaging Lodwick who blew by Clijisters with a Hedgehog stuck to his back wheel. The steep and technical descent and the ensuing twisty run up to the Bridgeberg was run at maximum speed, stringing out the group and eventually blowing Josef Carlenberg, who had earlier looked very strong, out the back, never to be seen again. A small group of 5 formed after the descent before the untamable Lodewick again attacked with fearsome vengeance on an unrated bump, taking with him, yet again, Hushvod. While it looked like the two would fight out between themselves for the victory, a cagey game of Cat and Mouse allowed Clijisters, Thibault Thomas, Stijn Cherry, Krystyn vanDrumm and Mathys Foley to bridge up. Blows were exchanged by all with Hushvod leading Lodewick to the final rise to the finish. Just when, it seemed that one of the two agitators would triumph, Clijisters blasted past with a limpet like Foley attached to his wheel. Hushvod was able to respond but Lodewick was finished. In a stunning display of tenacity, Clijisters was able to hold his gap and claim the top step with Foley (2^nd) and Hushvod (3^rd) rounding out the podium.

Finish:

1 Markus Clijisters 2:14:08

2 Mathys Foley st

3 Ken Hushvod st

4 Thibault Thomas :03

5 Jonas Lodewick :06

6 Stijn Cherry :06

7 Krystyn vanDrumm :08

8 Franke DeKeane :09

9 Josef Carlenberg DNF (MIA)

10 R.A. vonSchmidt DNF (retired)

Ronde vonSan Raflaanderran: Contenders and Pretenders

Favorites Aplenty but Dark Horses Could Surprise All

Ronde vonSan Raflaanderran, one would have to expect that Mathys Foley, the impressive but often misguided talent from the East Baye, would figure prominently after his near miss at Marin-Roubaix. Foley, who never fails to impress with his strength and fitness, is often outfoxed by less strong but more cunning riders due to his tendency to repeatedly put his cards on the table in the first 5k of a fake-race. If Foley can resist the urge to blast of the front like a cruise missile early in the race, he may be wearing the crown on Wednesday.

Also in the mix is last year’s defending SanRaflaanderrs champion, Markus Clijisters who, by virtue of a Ken Hushvod blunder, lucked onto the podium in last weeks Marin-Roubaix. Clijisters, who earns his money on the steep terrain, must be considered a threat after his result in MR on a day where he clearly did not have his best legs…or any legs at all for that matter. Clijisters’ key to victory will being able to shake off Jonas Lodewick and Ken Hushvod, both of whom can wind it up in a bunch sprint.

Speaking of Hushvod and Lodewick, we could see a repeat of last year where they marked each other out of the race, neither willing to drag the other to the line. It has to be said however that Hushvod has not been looking the redoubtable Hedgehog of SanRaflaanderrs of late and has possibly see his best days recede into the distance behind him. Regardless, it would be folly to totally dismiss the pernicious rodent entirely as Carl Spackler would readily attest.

Lodewick on the other hand is another matter entirely. By his own absurd estimation (repeating his claim from 2009) he is not only the prohibitive favorite but also the “2^nd favorite and the 3^rd favorite”…whatever that means. Never short on opinion, Lodewick often borders on the obnoxious with his outrageously self-aggrandizing claims. The only saving grace that endears him to the fans is his uncanny ability to put his money where his proverbial mouth is which, by this reporter’s estimation, must put him in the billionaires’ club. Still, after his impressive display of both canny strategy and field splintering power, a bet against Lodewick is a courageous wager indeed.

Finally, it would be remiss to gloss over the dark horses who lurk quietly waiting to pounce on victory if the big names spend too much time looking and shouting at one another. One such horse would be the wizened veteran Stijn Cherry who, despite a strong showing at the Marin-Roubaix, didn’t figure prominently in the finale. Early season gossip brought wind of the tough-as-nails- Cherry having taken up with a foreign live in Geisha which, in the words of a source close to Stijn, has “made him soft as a down feather resting on the freshly lotioned derriere of a teenage prostitute.” What exactly this missive is supposed to mean is unclear but one never knows when it may be “Stijn Time” again.

Also rumored to be taking the start is a last minute addition from Team Multi-Sport, Franke DeKeane who was treated to his PHRO deflowering in the 2010 edition of der Ronde. While there was no doubting that the sometime swimmer, sometime runner was a “fish out of water” as the saying goes, it’s hard not to admire his determination and grit in finishing in the main pack last year. Indeed, stranger things have happened in the world of PHRO than a former triathlete like DeKeane claiming the crown in this, the hardest of the spring classics.

Hushvod Inks Emergency Deal with Arm & Hammer

New sponsor teams with Dr Scholls, others to solve problem before SanRaflaanderrs

After the “Dominican Drench Job” as it’s being dubbed, Ken Hushvod has convened an emergency task force to combat the perspiration issue that blinded him in the finale of Marin-Roubaix and cost him a spot on the podium.

“Along with Arm & Hammer, who are known for their expertise in moisture absorbing powders, we have assembled a crack team with cooperation from Dr Scholls, Headsweats and the European Perspiration Foundation to find a workable solution for the Ronde, Hushvod’s manager J.O. Plokinskiberg read in a press statement.

“We expect a level of cooperation between all parties on par with the best F1 racing teams. For this to cost Hushvod a chance at victory is not an outcome we are willing to accept.”

Will the assembled might of such beauty industry heavyweight be enough to stem the proverbial salty tide? We shall know tomorrow…

Fake Race Preview: Ronde vonSan Raflaanderran

Kingberg Looms Large For Contendors

With the 105^th edition of the Ronde vonSan Raflaanderran set to happen on Tuesday evening, tensions are at a fever pitch among riders, press and fans. Unlike recent years where his bombast and quotable mouth has been a near pre-race certainty, PHRO Chairman, President and CEO, Joos Litvalk has been unusually reserved this season. Perhaps he is letting the course do the talking this year as everyone who is anyone certainly cringed when they first saw the route for the 2011 fake-race.

On paper, it would seem that this year’s course is a step back from the 11 bergs and extended pave sections from the 2010 race, which saw a wily attack on an unmarked hill, spring Markus Clijisters to victory. However, those who know the area are certainly familiar with many of the fearsome bergs that dot the route, in particular, the new and little know Knollberg, a new and brutally steep extension to the familiar Springberg and the ever daunting Kingberg.

The Kingberg, though it has only been included once, affected the 2009 Ronde so dramatically that it has earned a place in cycing lore along side the other legendary climbs like l’Alp d’Huez, the Koppenberg, the Mortiriolo and the Côte de la Redoute. Most famous perhaps is the manner in which it systematically demolished Clijisters and totally decimated the chasing bunch who looked to be gaining on the lead trio of Baen Van derStandish, Jonas Lodewick, and the eventual victor, "the Gorilla" Van vonSimeon.

In an interesting change of strategy this year, PHRO has elected to place the final berg nearly 20km from the finish and while there are certainly several lumps in the road over that distance, the finish is essentially flat.

Conspiracy theorists are postulating that this is a direct result of Lodewick’s cozy relationship with PHRO Head Joos Litvalk and is designed to get the burly sprinter to the finish in the lead group. Despite much pre-fake-race boasting, Lodewick has not much to show for his bluster other than a string of podium finished in the Ronde since winning in 2006. Last year he was shown the door by a wily and cunning Clijisters after, in 2009, Van vonSimeon simply rode away from him over the top of the Fairberg barely halfway into the route.

Regardless, early reports from riders out to reconnoiter the parcours, are saying that this is the hardest edition of the Ronde vonSanRaflaanderrs yet. If this is indeed the case, we should have a deserving victor come Tuesday night.

Hope to see you there!

Marin-Roubaix Post Fake-Race Quotes:

Thibault Thomas – Goldman-Sachs Racing Group

“What can I say? For a first effort to finish in the top 10 is a dream come true for me. I grew up fascinated with this fake race and to have not only finished it but been in the final group entering the Railroad d’Arenberg is more than I could have expected. Pictures and words do not due this parcours justice, however. I was on the rivet from the beginning. Perhaps next year I can make the next step.”

Markus Clijisters – Team Northside

I had terrible sensations all day and a podium is a gift from above. My legs were blocked from the beginning and I give credit to my team and my directeur for keeping me in a position to finish the way I did. Yes, Hushvod had a gap on me but I could see from his back that he was like a sponge turned inside out. Many are saying it was luck but I think I simply out classed him. You don’t win SanRaflaanderrs looking like you just stepped out of the shower.”

Krystyn vanDrumm –ProMan

“Ha! I showed those boys who the “hard-man” is. What a bunch of sallys! They were all afraid to work with me for fear that I would crush them like grapes in the sprint. Cowards, all of them. I will own this fake race next year. The only exception is Lodewick, he showed his class in the Railroad d’Arenberg when he just rode away from everyone. Also he’s devastatingly charming.

Mathys Foley –

“I could taste the champagne when I caught Lodewick at the finish but I had nothing for the sprint. If even one other rider had joined me we would have caught him much faster and maybe the finish would have been different. On the stretches of pavé I was going well, although it’s easy to say now that I was going well. But I was feeling very good, what can I say? Let’s just hope that my luck changes. I will attack in SanRaflaanderrs.”

Ken Hushvod - Headsweats/Arm & Hammer Racing

“I wanted to win, I didn't want to finish second or third, so that's why I tried something. I'm not going to beat Lodewick in the sprint on this finish. So that's why I put everything on one card on the levy road. He was just too strong; I could never beat him again. He is my Moby Dick.”

Jonas Lodewick – Team Podium Look/Vidal Sassoon

“I'm really surprised about the way I won. It impressed me even more than last year. Honestly, sometime I feel like I’m competing against amateurs. I expect that I could arrive to the start for the Ronde on a tricycle and still finish first. I’m honestly that good.”

Marin-Roubaix Result and Report

Lodewick Claims Repeat Victory Over Tenacious Foley
Clijisters nabs podium spot due to Hushvod navigation blunder

It what many are calling the hardest and most competitive Marin-Roubaix they have ever seen, Jonas Lodewick eked out a win in a two-up sprint with Mathys Foley in the L'Ecole du SanRafael velodrome last night. In marked contrast to his typical bombastic racing style, Lodewick played his cards close to his vest for the majority of the race before forcing the pace on the Railroad d'Arenberg to split the field. Joined at the last possible moment by a determined Foley, Lodewick held on to win by inches in a sprint that left both men spent.

Rolling in soon afterward was a surprised but nonetheless elated Markus Clijisters who found himself with a podium place despite exiting the Railroad almost 10 seconds behind a rueful Ken Hushvod who looked to have the bronze medal locked up before a navigation issue caused him to miss a critical turn with less than a kilometer to go.

Other notable finishers were rookie racer Thibault Thomas with a strong 4^th place in his first PHRO fake-race, the first ever female finisher of Marin-Roubaix, the ever dangerous Krystyn vanDrumm and the redoubtable Stijn Cherry who apparently spent the entire fake-race pedaling with only one leg to, in his words, “Get some work in.”

How the Fake Race Unfolded

A nervous feeling was in the air as an anxious peloton rolled out of the starting gate. Wasting no time initiating the aggression was a frisky Ken Hushvod who, clearly feeling his oats, jumped the group to take the first Hot Spot sprint (and the attending $18 coupon to Baubles and Beads). The pace was high with a strong tailwind and the first hour was run at a torrid rate, covering 53km. This soon changed however as the group entered the fast and technical Pauw Kloof. An early puncture saw Hushvod delayed but with the help of his team, he made his way back to the front before the first sector of pave at L'Camp Chinois.

Cherry, vanDrumm, and Thomas all made efforts to get away but after 4 sectors, all the big names were together at the front for the entrance to the fearsome Railroad d'Arenberg. Having uncharacteristically spent much of the race, bidding his time hidden away in the group, Lodewick went to the front to drive the pace and immediately strung out the group and created a selection that would prove to be the final one. With what seemingly was a comfortable 15-second margin at the exit of the Railroad, Lodewick was incredibly chased down and caught with only a half lap to go in the velodrome due to a heroic effort from Foley. The victory would prove to be a pyrrhic one however as Foley had nothing left to contest the final sprint and had to settle for a well-deserved second place.

The podium was rounded out in somewhat surprising fashion as Hushvod who, with an apparently unassailable lead over a lagging Clijisters (who clearly was not having one of his better days), suffered what can only be described as a “perspiration malfunction.” With a twist that could certainly be described as “Lynchian” Hushvod was temporarily blinded when the tremendous accumulation of sweat in his helmet liner overflowed into his eyes, causing him to make a wrong turn at a critical juncture in the final. Clijisters was more than obliging in scooping up the last spot on the podium.

Official Race Announcement:

Ronde von san Raflaanderran

Presented by PHRO.

April 19th, 2011

Event Description:

The premiere event and crown jewel of the Marin World Cup "Super Month," the Ronde von San Raflaanderrs is a legendary event in the storied history of Marin County. Heroes are made and broken on the steep slopes of the many bergs, which are the signature in this test of courage. Littered throughout the countryside, these often savagely steep climbs are as varied as the riders who will contest the victory.

While the field will come from a myriad of backgrounds, San Raflaanderrs caters to the strongmen of the spring, riders who are able to attack with power up the short climbs as well as descend with abandon are the rule of the day. The only sure outcome is that whoever ends up on the podium will, no doubt, have earned their place.

The course starts at B St and finishes at the top of the hill at the San Anselmo Theological Seminary. It is NOT a closed course and riders can be expected to see automobiles, pedestrians, hikers and possibly other cyclists.

Event Schedule:

6:45 pm – Ceremonial parade departure from the Hushvod Boosters Clubhouse on B St, San Rafael.
6:55 pm – Neutral Zone Ends

7:00 pm – Raquetberg

7:45 pm – Springberg

8:15 pm – Caminoberg

8:45 pm – Kingberg (cima Jimmi)

9:00 pm – Finish (estimated)

9:15 pm – Results and podium ceremony at Hushvod Boosters Clubhouse.

Cycling News: Late Edition

R.A. von Schmidt Aims for 5th Straight Lantern Rouge.

“Lance of the Lamp” hope to set new record.

The great Mario Cipollini was once quoted as saying, “Only in first place and last place, are true style to be found.” The ever non-plussed R.A. vonSchmidt would certainly agree with at least half of that statement. While most riders spend their entire careers chasing the dream of the top step of the podium, vonSchmidt has forged a path that few would choose and even fewer would have the fortitude to follow.

A one time shining star of the Tranvestite Cyclocross Co-Operative, his path was forever altered in the inaugural Ronde von SanRaflaanderran when an interrupted training schedule saw him finish at the back of the bunch. At that moment, did vonSchmidt meet his cycling muse and has gone on to collect the dubious prize 4 years running.

While many would say that a "Quintuple Lantern" is beyond the reach of even the most willful of men, vonSchmidt has re-dedicated himself with a strict off-season regimen of high society living, lavish dining and feats of imbibing that would make Truman Capote blush.

Current punters put estimates of his body fat percentage anywhere from 8% to a whopping 42%. With a supportive new sponsor in Krispy Kreme, R.A. vonSchmidt will not doubt show up at the start line fully prepared to unleash his patented “tantric cycling” method on the field.

Jimmi Robinski: Will He or Won’t He?

Gregarious Russian Refuses to Commit to Start List

Known in some circles as “The Firefly” for his polarizing tendency to either light up a race or to disappear without a trace (and some might say for his bright white buttocks), Jimmi Robinski, a racer whose talents and ability none would doubt but whose enigmatic nature has run up a list of DNS that few can match. One question of every bookmakers board is will Robinski pause long enough from the charms of his female admirers to strap on the shoes and race?

A man who some tifosi call the “Ricky Williams of the Peloton” has seemingly struggled at times to find a balance between “Waves, Women and Winning.” Having sold his Porsche, switched to a preferred beverage of Bartles & James Sour Apple Wine Coolers and apparently found his way watching Sunday morning reruns of Hello Dolly, Robinski claims to have settled down to the business of racing and winning. You will be able to color this reporter surprised if Robinski indeed shows on the start like of Marin-Roubaix or San Raflaanderrs.

Fredericcio Founds "Raëlism Racing Team"

Finds “Fountain of Youth” Among His Disciples

One time juggernaut of the Marin World Cup, Darioni Freddericcio has reportedly hung up his classics shoes for a role as a directeur sportif with his new junior development team. Speaking from his home compound in Waco, Texas, Fredericcio spoke glowingly of the talent and opportunity that his young charges exhibit. Never one to follow the “old school” method, his progressive training regimens rife with alternative drills that challenge the conventional wisdom of cycling training.

Following with his mantra of “One must Train The Mind and the Body Will Follow”, team members eschew significant on-the-bike mileage and engage in such exercises as marathon readings of Dianetics, extended sessions of Bikram Yoga and perhaps his most controversial technique, staging mock battles with GoBots (apparently designed to teach the art of in-race tactics). Also somewhat unusual is the teams hydration sponsor “Kool-Aid.”

PHRO President Joos Litvalk recently issued a statement recognizing Fredericcio for his outstanding contributions to the sport and was quoted as saying, “I can only guess at where this sport could go if more former racers gave back in the way of Darioni.” Litvalk has gone even further and has plans for expansion of Fredericcio’s program with the edition of a PHRO sponsored Tricycle race in the near future.