Cycling News: Late Edition

R.A. von Schmidt Aims for 5th Straight Lantern Rouge.

“Lance of the Lamp” hope to set new record.

The great Mario Cipollini was once quoted as saying, “Only in first place and last place, are true style to be found.” The ever non-plussed R.A. vonSchmidt would certainly agree with at least half of that statement. While most riders spend their entire careers chasing the dream of the top step of the podium, vonSchmidt has forged a path that few would choose and even fewer would have the fortitude to follow.

A one time shining star of the Tranvestite Cyclocross Co-Operative, his path was forever altered in the inaugural Ronde von SanRaflaanderran when an interrupted training schedule saw him finish at the back of the bunch. At that moment, did vonSchmidt meet his cycling muse and has gone on to collect the dubious prize 4 years running.

While many would say that a "Quintuple Lantern" is beyond the reach of even the most willful of men, vonSchmidt has re-dedicated himself with a strict off-season regimen of high society living, lavish dining and feats of imbibing that would make Truman Capote blush.

Current punters put estimates of his body fat percentage anywhere from 8% to a whopping 42%. With a supportive new sponsor in Krispy Kreme, R.A. vonSchmidt will not doubt show up at the start line fully prepared to unleash his patented “tantric cycling” method on the field.

Jimmi Robinski: Will He or Won’t He?

Gregarious Russian Refuses to Commit to Start List

Known in some circles as “The Firefly” for his polarizing tendency to either light up a race or to disappear without a trace (and some might say for his bright white buttocks), Jimmi Robinski, a racer whose talents and ability none would doubt but whose enigmatic nature has run up a list of DNS that few can match. One question of every bookmakers board is will Robinski pause long enough from the charms of his female admirers to strap on the shoes and race?

A man who some tifosi call the “Ricky Williams of the Peloton” has seemingly struggled at times to find a balance between “Waves, Women and Winning.” Having sold his Porsche, switched to a preferred beverage of Bartles & James Sour Apple Wine Coolers and apparently found his way watching Sunday morning reruns of Hello Dolly, Robinski claims to have settled down to the business of racing and winning. You will be able to color this reporter surprised if Robinski indeed shows on the start like of Marin-Roubaix or San Raflaanderrs.

Fredericcio Founds "Raëlism Racing Team"

Finds “Fountain of Youth” Among His Disciples

One time juggernaut of the Marin World Cup, Darioni Freddericcio has reportedly hung up his classics shoes for a role as a directeur sportif with his new junior development team. Speaking from his home compound in Waco, Texas, Fredericcio spoke glowingly of the talent and opportunity that his young charges exhibit. Never one to follow the “old school” method, his progressive training regimens rife with alternative drills that challenge the conventional wisdom of cycling training.

Following with his mantra of “One must Train The Mind and the Body Will Follow”, team members eschew significant on-the-bike mileage and engage in such exercises as marathon readings of Dianetics, extended sessions of Bikram Yoga and perhaps his most controversial technique, staging mock battles with GoBots (apparently designed to teach the art of in-race tactics). Also somewhat unusual is the teams hydration sponsor “Kool-Aid.”

PHRO President Joos Litvalk recently issued a statement recognizing Fredericcio for his outstanding contributions to the sport and was quoted as saying, “I can only guess at where this sport could go if more former racers gave back in the way of Darioni.” Litvalk has gone even further and has plans for expansion of Fredericcio’s program with the edition of a PHRO sponsored Tricycle race in the near future.