SanRaflaanderrs 2012 Results and Report

Lodewick Does MWC Double After Tense Showdown with Clijisters on Redwoodberg

At the Start Line

Heading to the start line on Sunday afternoon, the 2012 Ronde vonSanRaflaanderran, unlike years past, was a fake-race without a prohibitive favorite. The past week's Marin-Roubaix failed to produce a strong candidate: although Jonas Lodewick took the victory, it was largely due to Ken Hushvod's navigational error in the finale. Thibauld Thomas who rode strong last week was scratched due to a failed doping control while reigning two time RVSR champion Markus Clijisters and perennial Lantern Rouge R.A. vonSchmidt were unknown factors.

Clijisters looking comfortable
 on the Monte-SanRafaael

The group rode out under unusually warm sunny skies which apparently warmed the cockles of Hushvod to the extent that he made a spirited move on the first climb of the day, the Highlandberg. Clearly feeling the whispers of SanRaflaanderrs past and with the looming specter of the Monte-SanRafaael, Hushvod soon saw the wisdom of his ways and made his way back into the fold of the field. 

Lodewick leading the group
over the Monte-SanRafaael

No sooner had the bunch crested said climb, then Hushvod again scampered away, clearly gunning for the first mid-fake-rake hot spot sprint which he took easily, although he would soon pay dearly for his enthusiasm. 
Over the punishing Lindaberg, the familiar Fawnberg and the newly minted Winkleberg, the group rode as a single rider, clearly biding their time for the fearsome Ironberg where almost immediately, Hushvod uttered a prodigious 

Hushvod showing the 

effects of the Ironberg

grunt (what locals call "The Mating Call of the Hedgehog"). Paced by a strong riding vonSchmidt, who was himself intent on sewing up the Lantern Rouge, clearly Hushvod's day was finished. 


After a strong move on the Ironberg by Lake Tahoe regional champion Servais Lengyel that spilt the field asunder, Lodewick, who had managed to just hold Lengyel's wheel, attacked down the tricky and technical backside of the Ironberg. Clijisters, in a bid to make it three straight RVSR titles, made a suicidal decent in 

VonSchmidt and Hushvod
formed an alliance

pursuit of Lodewick and managed to close the gap by the start of the Scenicberg climb. While Clijisters made several halfhearted moves, seemingly to gauge Lodewick's 
resolve, the duo rode steadily shoulder to shoulder over the Scenicberg and Humbleberg and on to the lower slopes of the Redwoodberg.

Servais Lengyel rode 

strong for 4th

Finally Clijisters, not content to take his chances in the sprint with Lodewick, launched a strong attack on the last switchback before the summit of the Redwoodberg in an effort to rid himself of his breakaway rival. Lodewick though, refused to panic and steadily closed the gap before putting Clijisters to the sword with a decisive move over the summit. While Clijisters gamely gave chase, Lodewick only increased his advantage over the Havenberg and rode to the finish with a gap of just under a minute to claim victory.

R.A. VonSchmidt Celebrating 

his 5th Lantern Rouge

Clijisters soloed in for second while a resurgent Hushvod, who had been left for dead on the Ironberg, managed to out fox Lengyel and vonSchmidt for 3rd. VonSchmidt easily extended his record setting streak of five consecutive Lantern Rouges.

For the first time in five years a tearful and emotional Lodewick sprayed the bubbly from the top step of the SanRaflaanderrs podium to claim the Marin World Cup double of Marin-Roubaix and the Ronde.  

Podium

Thibauld Thomas Scratched from SanRaflaanderrs

Rider Claims Health Issues but Leaked Information Points to Doping Violation

Thibauld Thomas

In a shocking development today, Thibauld Thomas announced that he was withdrawing from tomorrow's 2012 Ronde vonSanRaflaanderran due to an unspecified "health related issue." That Thomas, who the bookies had as one of the favorites for victory after his strong podium placing at Marin-Roubaix, would voluntarily withdraw from the fake-race that he had repeatedly mentioned as one of his major season goals was, in itself surprising. 


However, shortly after his announcement, an unnamed source leaked the information the Thomas has returned a positive pre-competition tes for the banned substance Progesterone and his team immediately pulled him from the field to avoid a scandal. Thomas was not immediately available for comment. More information on this story as it develops.

Ronde vonSanRaflaanderran Official Fake-Race Announcement

Official Race Announcement:

Ronde von san Raflaanderran

Presented by PHRO.

April 22nd, 2012

Event Description:

The premiere event and crown jewel of the Marin World Cup "Super Month," the Ronde von San Raflaanderrs is a legendary event in the storied history of Marin County. Heroes are made and broken on the steep slopes of the many bergs, which are the signature in this test of courage. Littered throughout the countryside, these often savagely steep climbs are as varied as the riders who will contest the victory.

While the field will come from a myriad of backgrounds, San Raflaanderrs caters to the strongmen of the spring, riders who are able to attack with power up the short climbs as well as descend with abandon are the rule of the day. The only sure outcome is that whoever ends up on the podium will, no doubt, have earned their place.

An unusual parcours this year finds riders venturing into the farthest northern reaches of the county spending time in Northern SanRaflaanderrs as well as scaling several new climbs including the Monte-SanRafaael and the fearsomely steep Ironberg. Called by many the hardest course ever, the 2012 edition will likely be more a battle of attrition than one of tactics.

The course starts at B St and finishes at the top of the hill at the San Anselmo Theological Seminary. It is NOT a closed course and riders can be expected to see automobiles, pedestrians, hikers and possibly other cyclists.

Event Schedule:

5:30 pm – Ceremonial parade departure from the Hushvod Boosters Clubhouse on B St, San Rafael.
5:45 pm – Neutral Zone Ends

6:30 pm – Monte-SanRafaael 

7:00 pm – Winkleberg

7:15 pm – Ironberg

7:45 pm – Redwoodberg

8:00 pm – Finish (estimated)

8:15 pm – Results and podium ceremony at Hushvod Boosters Clubhouse.

BREAKING NEWS: San Raflaanderrs Start moved back to 5:30pm.

PHRO cites conflict with local farmers market as reason.

Lodewick during the press conference

In a hastily called press conference today, Joos Lodewick, announced that due to a variety of concerns regarding local authorities and road closures, Sunday's Ronde vonSanRaflaanderran will start at 5:30pm instead of the scheduled 3pm start. According to the statement Lodewick read to the press, the primary issue was a concern for excessive pedestrian traffic on many of the course roads, an issue that riders faced in last week's Marin-Roubaix. 


The published timetable for the fake-race shows an expected finish time of between 7:30 and 8pm which should still negate the need for lighting systems, which was the primary reason for the scheduling change to a Sunday in the first place.


When a reporter from Sporza questioned Lodewick on whether rumors of the changed start time being an accommodation for Hushvod who reportedly has a family commitment that morning, a belligerently hostile Lodewick's only reply was "You know that your problem is?!?"

Marin-Roubaix 2012 – Results and Report

Wild and Wooly Fake Race Leave Lodewick Atop Podium

The Bikes of Marin-Roubaix

Perhaps the best thing that could be said about Sunday’s Marin-Roubaix fake-race is that, eventually, it finished. Without a doubt, story on everyone’s lips afterwards was the stunning manner with which Ken Hushvod, the overwhelming favorite on the day, managed to blow yet another victory to Jonas Lodewick when it looked as though Hushvod had the finish well in hand.

At the Startline

On a clear and warm afternoon that most expected to harbor high tempo attacking riding, this year’s edition of the "Hell of the North Bay" saw an unusually tactical fake-race and as usually is the case when the speed is low the resulting messy crashes and mechanicals. While the Pauw-Cloof sector was re-routed due to a greens-keepers strike, riders tackled the never before used Biscayne sector. Markus Clijisters and Hushvod (on his signature "tractor" bike setup) both made probing attacks that were quickly countered by Thibauld Thomas, R.A. vonSchmidt and Lodewick and at one point Hushvod and Lodewick were away together but had visibly angry words with each other with several spectators reporting hearing Lodwick repeatedly denouncing his breakaway companion as a “coward” for not riding. Perhaps as penance for his outburst Lodewick would briefly hit the deck, sliding out his wheel in the Bucks-en-Pévèle sector shortly thereafter.

Evidence of Lodewick's brief tumble

Multiple mechanicals were sustained over the next several sectors, with both von Schmidt and again Lodewick having rear wheel punctures just before the entrance to the dreaded Railroad d’Arenberg. Several helpful spectators who had obviously been “camping” under the motorway proffered helpful advice to the riders with one gentleman repeatedly exhorting them to “use some of that Slime stuff.” Tempers flared however shortly thereafter after vonSchmidt pointed declined one fans generous offer to share his bier while another spectator accused Clijisters and Thomas of “being cops or something.”

After forcing his way clear in the Railroad d’Arenberg with a shattered Lodewick clinging to his wheel, Hushvod repeated his fatal error of one year ago, taking a wrong turn in the penultimate intersection and handing a 3^rd consecutive victory to an incredulous Lodewick.

Meanwhile, an equally compelling narrative was unfolding behind in the battle for the final podium placing. The three-man chase group composed of vonSchmidt, Thomas and an aggressive Clijisters engaged in what can only be called hand-to-hand combat for the bronze placing. Clijisters, who had been an aggressor in the early portion of the route looked to be set up for the sprint while a confident and smooth riding vonSchmidt led the trio over the final sector of pave into the L’Ecole d’San Rafaaell stadium. However, a resurgent Thomas, who had earlier taken a nasty tumble over the bars in the Lagoon d’Arbre sector, jumped his chasing companions with nearly a lap to go and managed to hold off a desperate but ultimately futile pursuit by Clijisters to nap the final placing. VonSchmidt was fortunate to extend his streak of 5 consecutive Lantern Rouges and keep his perfect record intact.

Final Results:

1. Jonas Lodewick

2. Ken Hushvod

3. Thibauld Thomas

4. Markus Clijisters

5. R.A. vonSchmidt

The Podium

\

Marin-Roubaix – Contenders and Pretenders

 Handicapping the 2012 Fake-Race

As morning breaks, the cycling world waits with bated breath for the start of today’s 5^th annual Marin-Roubaix. While the men of the hills battled it out in Holland this morning in the Amstel-Gold Race, the hard men of the North will go to war on the broken roads of Le Camp Chinois this afternoon.

Attempting to pick a winner in a fake-race like Marin-Roubaix that many of likened to a “lottery” can be a fool’s game, we can at least rate the participants on their chances at the top step of the podium.

5 Stars

Ken Hushvod – Team Northside

Since his victory in the inaugural M-R, Hushvod has had a series of near misses due in equal parts to bad luck, poor equipment and lack of focus. In the 2011 edition, he loked to be a shoe in for a podium placing behind Mathys Foley and Jonas Lodewick until a wrong turn at the worst possible moment handed the spot to a tenacious Markus Clijisters. With a show of recent form at the G.P. Nicasio as well as a new equipment sponsor Reynolds, Hushvod should be the #1 favorite on every bookmakers list. His biggest obstacle may well be his well-documented struggles with perspiration control.

Markus Clijisters – Team Northside

Hushvod’s most dangerous human competition (beside his sweat glands) perhaps may be his own teammate, Markus Clijisters who, after spending several years wandering in the wilderness of sleepless family life, has seemingly recaptured the form that saw him grab a surprise repeat win in the 2011 Ronde von SanRaflaanderran. Always a danger man, Clijisters has reportedly benefited from imitating the training regimen of his sister-in-law Evelyn Stevens, of Specialized-lululemon. We may be in for some Team Northside infighting is both Clijisters and Hushvod are on form.

4 Stars

R.A. von Schmidt – dfl-IPA Racing

While von Schmidt has had a recent run of good form, it’s been reported that he is suffering from a herniated disc which may or may not impair his riding in today’s M-R. Another rider with a new sponsor, Time, one can be sure that von Schmidt will be on a top shelf machine and will not be let down by his equipment. Rumors that his injury was the result of carrying the weight of world on his shoulders are unconfirmed.

3 Stars

Jonas Lodewick – Podium Look

Ordinarily, rating the two time defending champion of the Marin-Roubaix this low would be cause for insanity but Lodewick has been felled by illness as of late and was visibly suffering during yesterday’s G.P. Nicasio. Attempts to get an interview or quotes were stonewalled by Lodewick’s press team who described him as being “difficult.”

Wild Cards

Of course there are inevitable riders who appear seemingly out of nowhere to influence the outcome of the fake-race. While many Marin World Cup stalwarts like Stijn Cherry (sex retreat), Jimmy Robinski (self flagellation injury) and Baen Van derStandish (better things to do) will be absent from the start, others like “The Gorilla” Van vonSimeon, Krystyn vanDrumm, Josef Carlenberg, and Thibault Thomas will undoubtedly make themselves heard.

Injury Report

In a tragic turn of events, perennial contender, Mathys Foley is a late scratch from the Marin-Roubaix due to injuries sustained in a crash during yesterday’s G.P. Nicasio. We wish him a speedy recovery and many happy endings.

Forecast Hopeful for Marin-Roubaix

Riders pray for clear skys; favorable conditions


With the first leg of the 2012 Marin World Cup on the horizon for Sunday afternoon, the recent deluge has caused apprehension in riders and PHRO officials alike. While a wet and cold Marin-Roubaix is often a delight for the fans, the rain, mud and rocks of the various dirt sections can cause havoc with equipment and bike handling. So treacherous is the course on a rainy day that the mere threat of inclement weather has caused Belgian superman, Tom Boonen, to cancel his planned start on Sunday. The recent Flanders-Paris-Roubaix double winner was quoted as saying, "The Railroad d'Arenberg on a rainy day makes the Forest of Arenberg look like a pleasant stroll in the park. No thanks."


Ironically, Stijn Cherry, one of the riders who would be a favorite in such conditions, given his propensity for excelling in even the worst of conditions, will be absent from the start line Sunday. Cherry has been largely absent from the early season action ever since disappearing on a cycling expedition with his mysterious concubine who is only known by the moniker "El Lama." Attempts at contacting Cherry have been unsuccessful and have only resulted in irregular email dispatches written the the 3rd person. Experts have been unable to verify the authenticity of the documents and rumors of Cherry being help captive at an underground nudist camp are unconfirmed.


Another peculiar story spit out by the rumor mill has been the details of the newest training regimen employed by Markus Clijisters. Historically known as a competitor in all weather conditions, Clijisters has apparently taken his Marin-Roubaix prep a step further recently. With the threat of foul weather to the fake-race, Clijisters has been seen riding and training in the worst weather possible, perhaps to prepare for the worst come fake-race day. This, in and of itself it not terribly strange but word has it that he refuses to shower or otherwise wash off the mud after his training rides in an attempt to better become accustomed to the sensations. One can only imagine the laundry that results...

BREAKING NEWS: PHRO Pushes MWC Back One Week

Lodewick Cites Easter Conflict; Looming Hallmark Strike


Bowing to pressure from the Belgian Chocolate Workers Union, PHRO has announced that both Marin World Cup races have been postponed for 7 days, pushing the Marin-Roubaix to Sunday April 15th and the Ronde vonSanRaflaanderran back to Sunday the 22nd. Faced with the threat of looming protests from a myriad of fronts including the aforementioned BCWU strike, a formal complaint by the Vatican regarding Marin-Roubaix being held on Easter Sunday and a threat of course blockage by the United Hallmark Card Writers Association, PHRO Jackmonkey in Charge, Joos Lodewick did what any sane person would do and changed the dates to avoid any further incidents.


Perhaps the largest pea in Lodewick's mattress was the recent revelation that local hero and noted man-of-the-people Ken Hushvod was looking to be a late scratch for reasons allegedly relating to prior sponsorship deals. Those in the know however have hinted that the Hushvod Booster Club is the underlying cause of a majority of the civil unrest and had been inciting protests with the hopes the fake races would be postponed. They will seemingly get their wish although whether it will be enough to urge an aging and, some would say, over the hill Hushvod within shouting distance of the podium remains to be seen.



Marin Roubaix
Sunday April 15th
3:00pm PST

Ronde vonSanRaflaanderran
Sunday APril 22nd
3:oopm PST

Marin-Roubaix - OFFICIAL FAKE-RACE ANNOUNCEMENT

Parcours to Follow Classic Route 

PHRO released the course map today for the 4th running of L'Marin-Roubaix, the first part of the historic Marin World Cup Double. The first event in the well known "Super-Duper Week" is the first course the buffet of suffering that is the MWC.

This years L'Marin-Roubaix will be run in the traditional counter-clockwise direction with the commencement portion being a fast and furious appetizer before the main course of the off road sections. Once the riders exit the "Pauw Cloof" cart path section they will face a series of 5 challenging sections of pavé with the key sectors being the 5 Star "L'Camp Chinois" and "Railroad d'Arenberg" before a final twisty, technical route through the town to the "L'Ecole du SanRafael" historic velodrome for the finish.

Event Schedule: 

Sunday, April 15th

3:00 pm – Ceremonial parade departure from the Hushvod Boosters Clubhouse on B St, San Rafael. 3:15 pm – Neutral Zone Ends

3:20 pm – San Rafael City Limit Hot Spot Sprint. 

3:30 pm – 1st rider enters "Pauw Cloof". (estimated)

4:00 pm – 1 Section of pavé. (estimated).

4:20 pm – 1st Rider enters Railroad d'Arenberg. (estimated)

4:25 pm – 1st Rider enters L'Ecole du SanRafael finishing circuit. (estimated) 

4:45 pm – Results and podium ceremony.

*******This event is run entirely for fun and not for profit. To borrow a phrase: "The less fun you have, the more you'll pay." Anyone over the age of 18 is welcome to attend. Registration is free but the promoter is accepting donations. Leffe, Duvel and Stella Artois are preferred but anything of Western European origin is acceptable currency. Anyone found taking this event seriously will be banished from all Marin World Cup events for a time period no less than 1 year. Also, you will suck. Safety first.********