Marin-Roubaix – Contenders and Pretenders

 Handicapping the 2012 Fake-Race

As morning breaks, the cycling world waits with bated breath for the start of today’s 5^th annual Marin-Roubaix. While the men of the hills battled it out in Holland this morning in the Amstel-Gold Race, the hard men of the North will go to war on the broken roads of Le Camp Chinois this afternoon.

Attempting to pick a winner in a fake-race like Marin-Roubaix that many of likened to a “lottery” can be a fool’s game, we can at least rate the participants on their chances at the top step of the podium.

5 Stars

Ken Hushvod – Team Northside

Since his victory in the inaugural M-R, Hushvod has had a series of near misses due in equal parts to bad luck, poor equipment and lack of focus. In the 2011 edition, he loked to be a shoe in for a podium placing behind Mathys Foley and Jonas Lodewick until a wrong turn at the worst possible moment handed the spot to a tenacious Markus Clijisters. With a show of recent form at the G.P. Nicasio as well as a new equipment sponsor Reynolds, Hushvod should be the #1 favorite on every bookmakers list. His biggest obstacle may well be his well-documented struggles with perspiration control.

Markus Clijisters – Team Northside

Hushvod’s most dangerous human competition (beside his sweat glands) perhaps may be his own teammate, Markus Clijisters who, after spending several years wandering in the wilderness of sleepless family life, has seemingly recaptured the form that saw him grab a surprise repeat win in the 2011 Ronde von SanRaflaanderran. Always a danger man, Clijisters has reportedly benefited from imitating the training regimen of his sister-in-law Evelyn Stevens, of Specialized-lululemon. We may be in for some Team Northside infighting is both Clijisters and Hushvod are on form.

4 Stars

R.A. von Schmidt – dfl-IPA Racing

While von Schmidt has had a recent run of good form, it’s been reported that he is suffering from a herniated disc which may or may not impair his riding in today’s M-R. Another rider with a new sponsor, Time, one can be sure that von Schmidt will be on a top shelf machine and will not be let down by his equipment. Rumors that his injury was the result of carrying the weight of world on his shoulders are unconfirmed.

3 Stars

Jonas Lodewick – Podium Look

Ordinarily, rating the two time defending champion of the Marin-Roubaix this low would be cause for insanity but Lodewick has been felled by illness as of late and was visibly suffering during yesterday’s G.P. Nicasio. Attempts to get an interview or quotes were stonewalled by Lodewick’s press team who described him as being “difficult.”

Wild Cards

Of course there are inevitable riders who appear seemingly out of nowhere to influence the outcome of the fake-race. While many Marin World Cup stalwarts like Stijn Cherry (sex retreat), Jimmy Robinski (self flagellation injury) and Baen Van derStandish (better things to do) will be absent from the start, others like “The Gorilla” Van vonSimeon, Krystyn vanDrumm, Josef Carlenberg, and Thibault Thomas will undoubtedly make themselves heard.

Injury Report

In a tragic turn of events, perennial contender, Mathys Foley is a late scratch from the Marin-Roubaix due to injuries sustained in a crash during yesterday’s G.P. Nicasio. We wish him a speedy recovery and many happy endings.

Forecast Hopeful for Marin-Roubaix

Riders pray for clear skys; favorable conditions


With the first leg of the 2012 Marin World Cup on the horizon for Sunday afternoon, the recent deluge has caused apprehension in riders and PHRO officials alike. While a wet and cold Marin-Roubaix is often a delight for the fans, the rain, mud and rocks of the various dirt sections can cause havoc with equipment and bike handling. So treacherous is the course on a rainy day that the mere threat of inclement weather has caused Belgian superman, Tom Boonen, to cancel his planned start on Sunday. The recent Flanders-Paris-Roubaix double winner was quoted as saying, "The Railroad d'Arenberg on a rainy day makes the Forest of Arenberg look like a pleasant stroll in the park. No thanks."


Ironically, Stijn Cherry, one of the riders who would be a favorite in such conditions, given his propensity for excelling in even the worst of conditions, will be absent from the start line Sunday. Cherry has been largely absent from the early season action ever since disappearing on a cycling expedition with his mysterious concubine who is only known by the moniker "El Lama." Attempts at contacting Cherry have been unsuccessful and have only resulted in irregular email dispatches written the the 3rd person. Experts have been unable to verify the authenticity of the documents and rumors of Cherry being help captive at an underground nudist camp are unconfirmed.


Another peculiar story spit out by the rumor mill has been the details of the newest training regimen employed by Markus Clijisters. Historically known as a competitor in all weather conditions, Clijisters has apparently taken his Marin-Roubaix prep a step further recently. With the threat of foul weather to the fake-race, Clijisters has been seen riding and training in the worst weather possible, perhaps to prepare for the worst come fake-race day. This, in and of itself it not terribly strange but word has it that he refuses to shower or otherwise wash off the mud after his training rides in an attempt to better become accustomed to the sensations. One can only imagine the laundry that results...

BREAKING NEWS: PHRO Pushes MWC Back One Week

Lodewick Cites Easter Conflict; Looming Hallmark Strike


Bowing to pressure from the Belgian Chocolate Workers Union, PHRO has announced that both Marin World Cup races have been postponed for 7 days, pushing the Marin-Roubaix to Sunday April 15th and the Ronde vonSanRaflaanderran back to Sunday the 22nd. Faced with the threat of looming protests from a myriad of fronts including the aforementioned BCWU strike, a formal complaint by the Vatican regarding Marin-Roubaix being held on Easter Sunday and a threat of course blockage by the United Hallmark Card Writers Association, PHRO Jackmonkey in Charge, Joos Lodewick did what any sane person would do and changed the dates to avoid any further incidents.


Perhaps the largest pea in Lodewick's mattress was the recent revelation that local hero and noted man-of-the-people Ken Hushvod was looking to be a late scratch for reasons allegedly relating to prior sponsorship deals. Those in the know however have hinted that the Hushvod Booster Club is the underlying cause of a majority of the civil unrest and had been inciting protests with the hopes the fake races would be postponed. They will seemingly get their wish although whether it will be enough to urge an aging and, some would say, over the hill Hushvod within shouting distance of the podium remains to be seen.



Marin Roubaix
Sunday April 15th
3:00pm PST

Ronde vonSanRaflaanderran
Sunday APril 22nd
3:oopm PST

Marin-Roubaix - OFFICIAL FAKE-RACE ANNOUNCEMENT

Parcours to Follow Classic Route 

PHRO released the course map today for the 4th running of L'Marin-Roubaix, the first part of the historic Marin World Cup Double. The first event in the well known "Super-Duper Week" is the first course the buffet of suffering that is the MWC.

This years L'Marin-Roubaix will be run in the traditional counter-clockwise direction with the commencement portion being a fast and furious appetizer before the main course of the off road sections. Once the riders exit the "Pauw Cloof" cart path section they will face a series of 5 challenging sections of pavé with the key sectors being the 5 Star "L'Camp Chinois" and "Railroad d'Arenberg" before a final twisty, technical route through the town to the "L'Ecole du SanRafael" historic velodrome for the finish.

Event Schedule: 

Sunday, April 15th

3:00 pm – Ceremonial parade departure from the Hushvod Boosters Clubhouse on B St, San Rafael. 3:15 pm – Neutral Zone Ends

3:20 pm – San Rafael City Limit Hot Spot Sprint. 

3:30 pm – 1st rider enters "Pauw Cloof". (estimated)

4:00 pm – 1 Section of pavé. (estimated).

4:20 pm – 1st Rider enters Railroad d'Arenberg. (estimated)

4:25 pm – 1st Rider enters L'Ecole du SanRafael finishing circuit. (estimated) 

4:45 pm – Results and podium ceremony.

*******This event is run entirely for fun and not for profit. To borrow a phrase: "The less fun you have, the more you'll pay." Anyone over the age of 18 is welcome to attend. Registration is free but the promoter is accepting donations. Leffe, Duvel and Stella Artois are preferred but anything of Western European origin is acceptable currency. Anyone found taking this event seriously will be banished from all Marin World Cup events for a time period no less than 1 year. Also, you will suck. Safety first.********

Rumor Mill: Former Champ Hushvold To Miss Marin-Roubaix?

Sometimes the world is a truly cruel place. In what will certainly become a huge blow to PHRO, the Ken Hushvod Boosters, the township of San Rafael and Hushvold himself, rumors are circulating that former champion Ken Hushvod will not be at the start of the 2012 Marin Roubaix.

After signing a huge contract with Walgreens/HP earlier this year, Hushvod apparently lost significant control of his racing and personal schedule. Hushvod is apparently being compelled to ride in the Walgreens GP based in Deerfield, IL. Walgreens, a major sponsor and contributor to Hushvod's many charities has demanded his presence in the inaugural Deerfield race.

"I am devastated, truly devastated!" said a member of the Hushvod boosters found outside Cafe Roma in San Rafael. "I know Ken had big plans for this year's edition of the Marin World Cup. He has been so strong lately. I know he wanted the overall victory this year. Joos must change the date! The Marin Roubaix without Hushvod? The race will not exist for me!"

Apparently a few protesters outside the San Rafael Wells Fargo were asking for Joos Lodewick's head because of the date change of this ever popular race. However, it has been reported that even if the race was held on the normal Wednesday night, Hushvod would still be unable to attend. A high ranking official at Walgreens has stated that Hushvod will be "performing his contracted duties" for the entire week.

Hushvod and Walgreens/HP issued "no comment" at press time, and Joos Lodewick, PHRO president did not return several calls.

2012 SanRaflaanderrs Course Announced

PHRO Releases Route to Public

Foray into the North, Monte SanRafaael Produces Mixed Reactions

With his typical aplomb, PHRO President and Head Jackmonkey, Joos Lodewick, held court today at the 2012 Ronde vonSanRaflaanderran Route Presentation Gala,

unveiling a parcors that has turned the fake bike racing world on its collective ear. Never, in the multi-month history of the Ronde, has a route so thoroughly flouted tradition while simultaneously paying homage to its esteemed heritage. The revealing of the route was greeted with audible gasps of shock, awe, outrage, disinterest and delight, in equal measures. What is all the fuss about? Where to begin...

At the outset, the 2012 course starts as the first ever Ronde finished; with the seldom used Highlandberg, the climb where Jonas Lodewick launched his attack as well as his career in 2007. At this point, all looks well and normal but riders are in for a nasty surprise as the Highlandberg only serves as an amuse bouche before they are slapped in the face with the daunting slopes of the mighty Monte-SanRafaael. A lofty peak that whose summit is only reachable by an unpaved goat track of a road, the Monte-SanRafaael has never been included in SanRaflaanderrs and many traditionalists are claiming that, due to it's length, gradient and elevation, it is not appropriate for inclusion in the Ronde, where traditionally the shorter and steeper bergs have been the signature feature in the fake race.

The fun doesn't stop there as the fake-race will take a rare detour into Northern SanRaflaanderrs, a remote region normally reserved for strip malls, office parks and more importantly, The Marin-Roubaix. While the Ronde will not tackle the famed Railroad d'Arenberg, trips to the north are rare enough that those who were skeptical of the Monte-SanRafaael will only have more fuel for their luddite, traditionalist fire.

After a quick bump over the Fawnberg, the group will be treated to a quick foray into

the depths of Sleepy Hollow where riders will attempt to maintain traction on the gravely grades of the never before used Winkleberg. For many, this would be a full day's riding but at this point, the Ronde is only at the halfway mark. With more new ascents of the fearsome Ironberg (which many are calling this year's (Kingberg) and Scenicberg back to back, many will surely be feeling the effort as the fake-race returns to more well known locales.

The final course in this smorgasbord of suffering is the terrible trio of the Humbleberg, the venerable Redwoodberg and the grusomely steep Havenberg which were made famous by the daring and victorious escape of Markus Clijisters in the 2010 edition. All that is left is a final sprint up to the hilltop chapel and the finish line.

Stay tuned next week for rider interviews and reactions from the Presentation Gala and Press Conference.

PHRO Announces 2012 Marin World Cup Dates

Both Fake-Races Move to Sunday Afternoon - Reaction Mixed

Today, in a move that many had heard whispers of during the offseason, PHRO Head Jack Monkey, Joos Litvalk announced that both the Marin-Roubaix and the Ronde von SanRaflaanderran would be moving from their tradition and historic Wednesday night slots to a late Sunday afternoon rollout. While many traditionalists and cycling historians expressed outrage at the audacity Litvalk displayed by casually ignoring centuries of history, most in the pro cycling world greeted the news with tacit approval.

Consensus among the peloton is that the daylight running conditions will cut down on injurys, minimize the off-course navigation issues that have plagued many and improve the fake-racing as a whole. In his typical enigmatic fashion, Litvalk dismissed his detractors by simply stating, "No one liked Picasso until he died either. We are the same."

In contrast, Fox News was quoted as calling for Litvalks head and taking the official position of "Joos Litvalk is a Socialist-Fascist-Marxist-Muslim just like Obama."

There will be much more to come during the lead up to race day including our annual look at the Contenders & Pretenders, our full race previews and as always, rider interviews.

2012 Marin World Cup Schedule:

The Marin-Roubaix

Sunday April 8th

Ronde von SanRaflaanderran

Sunday April 15th

Start times are 3pm for both fake-races.