San Raflaanderrs Results and Report

Lodewick Stamps Authority on Controversial RVSR
Dewars Rider Solos in from 25k While Peloton Strikes in Protest

In the end, there was no doubt. While some questioned the form of Jonas Lodewick after a lackluster Marin-Roubaix performance and a string of mediocre Nikaseeo Kermesse results, his authoritative victory in yesterday's SanRaflaanderrs silenced any remaining questions. With a 25k break in which he rode solo for the last dozen kilometers, Lodewick claimed the second consecutive back-to-back SanRaflaanderrs crown (the last being Markus Clijisters in '10-'11.)

However, another other major story line, was developing simultaneously in the bunch, nearly 9 minutes back. While Hushvod and Lodewick were taking turns figuratively punching each other in the mouth up front, an earnest battle for third place was heating up. In the chase, surprise Marin-Roubaix champion Ravan Moezzerts, MWC stalwart Thibauld Thomas, the redoubtable Clijisters and impressive new comer Jeffe Sterndevaux took turns forcing the pace. Thomas and Sterndevaux repeatedly gapped the rest of the chase on the Bridegberg and Fishberg, while the bike handling prowess of Clijisters and Moezzerts allowed them to take advantage on the descents. 

This pattern repeated itself until the penultimate climb, the Humbleberg where, with a vicious attack, Thomas and Sterndevaux broke clear over the top, only to come to distress on the narrow and very technical descent with an encounter with a spectator's automobile. Thomas managed 

Jeffe Sterndevaux

to slide past by the merest of margins but Sterndevaux was not as lucky, taking the "Starsky and Hutch" route across the hood. Luckily, no major injuries were sustained aside from some cosmetic damage which will no doubt compromise Sterndevaux's post SanRaflaanderrs modeling career. However, the entirety of the peloton chose to strike for the remainder of the course in protest over what they deemed in a post fake-race statement as "overly dangerous and unrealistic fake-racing conditions."

As It Happened
After a combative first hour of fake-racing, Lodewick seized the fake-race by the scruff of the neck on the La Ligne de Sud Marin, leaping clear of the bunch and dragging an opportunistic Ken Hushvod along for company. With all the work being done by Lodewick, Hushvod was none the less indispensible, repeatedly apologizing to frighted and startled spectators as Lodwick rumbled through like an overweight TGV. By the time the duo exited La Ligne, they had an advantage of over 4 minutes and everyone else was fake-racing for the lowest spot on the podium. Hushvod and Lodewick cooperated well on the road to the Fishberg with Lodewick doing the majority of the work and Hushvod, who looked initially to be the stronger of the two, setting a steady pace on the Bridgeberg and Lagoberg.

Approaching the forbidding Fishberg shoulder to shoulder, Hushvod made the first move, riding a strong tempo on the lower slopes that opened of gap of 25 meters on Lodewick. The legions of MWC fans choking the climb were sure they were seeing Hushvod finally fling the Lodewick-monkey from his back but a mere 200m from the summit, cracks began to appear. Lodewick steadily overhauled the suddenly struggling Hushvod, cresting the Fishberg with a 30 second gap. Over the remaining 15km, Lodewick steadily increased his gap, finishing with an advantage of nearly 2 minutes at the finish. Hushvod, looking every bit a beaten man, rode in sweaty and alone for a bitter second place, victory having slipped from his grasp in the space of a mere dozen pedal strokes.

MWC Mail Bag - Joos Answers Reader Questions

Where Oh Where Has Foley Gone?
Dear Joos - 
My favorite fake-racer is Mathys Foley. He's dreamy! How come he hasn't been in a MWC fake-rake in over 3 years? I long to rest my gaze on his smooth wrinkle free visage, admire his well formed but not bulging guns and yearn for a glimpse of his "pro" riding form. Will we see Foley in a MWC event ever again?
-Sincerly
Patiently Waiting

Dear Patiently Waiting:
I wish I knew. Foley was a MWC mainstay and provided much animation to the early portions of SanRafllaanderrs (although rarely was he seen after critical selections were made). Mathy's PHRO license expired in 2010 and has not been renewed by his handlers. While PHRO has no first hand knowledge of his status, rumors on TMZ claim he is now fake-racing in a junior cycling circuit. We wish him the best but share your opinion (although not your feelings) about Foley returning to grace the MWC with his presence.
-Joos


Is Robinski Ro-Kinky?
Dear Joos - 
What's all this I hear about there being a cover up on Jimmy Robinski being out of the MWC due to injury that was sustained while "surfing?" As a long time member of the Robinski Red Army, I can state with conviction that there is NO COVER UP happening and that rumors that Robinski was injured while attempting self-fellatio are totally FALSE. Please clear up this confusion for fans of the MWC.
-Best Regards
Joe Blob

Dear Joe:
I can neither confirm no deny the cause of Robinski's injuries. While he has been know to flail about in the ocean while chained to a board, I would hesitate to refer to his hobby as "surfing." With regards to the insinuation that his bruised rib were injured in some kind of horrible auto-erotica contortion, I have no comment. Having said that, I have heard that Robinski has been on a very regimented and demanding yoga and flexibility program as of late. For what reason, I would decline to speculate.
-Joos

A Bear Market on Clijisters?
Dear Joos - 
Why won't you let my sister top local women's fake-racer Angelica Stevensteers into the MWC? We both know that Markus Clijisters is the one wearing the red silk thong in that partnership. 
-Signed
The Best Women's Bike Racer in the US Right Now (Or So I've Heard).

Dear TBWBRITWRNOSIH
Who is this? Would you mind taking a look at my portfolio?
-Joos

Hushvod HGH, RVSR Stats and More! Marin World Cup - Mid Week Edition

HGH Found in Hushvod Family Vehicle At Border Stop

A disoriented Hushvod exiting
his office Wednesday

In a (not really) stunning development, a Marin County border official has confirmed that unopened packages of GenF20 Plus, a popular HGH supplement were found in the vehicle of Ken Hushvod during a routine border stop while returning from a day trip to Novato. The substance was not seized by agents as it is not currently any kind of controlled substance. When contacted for comment, Hushvod claimed in a statement via his PR Agent that the supplement must have been placed in the car by without their knowledge or perhaps by "malicious Lodewick fans trying to destroy me."

There have been many anecdotal reports by anonymous source about Hushvod questioning other about HGH and the potential benefits/side effects but nothing that was recorded on record. Some have speculated that Hushvod was taking the supplements, not to improve his on-the-bike performance but rather to help him get through his high pressure advertising agreement with HP, not to mention the lack of sleep due to his recently arrived progeny. The ramifications of this development are unclear since PHRO does not have any restrictions on substances, banned or otherwise. 

Ronde vonSanRaflaanderran 2013 Course Has Record Amount of Climbing
This years RVSR will be the longest on record and will feature an unprecedented 6000+ feet of climbing in the route. The starring berg of the route this year, the Fishberg a dirt wall which maxes out at a leg breaking 19 percent gradient, has generated tremendous controversy as many teams during reconnaissance rides had great difficulty summiting the climb without resorting to walking their bikes. When confronted by the specter of disgruntled fake-racers fomenting unrest among their peers, PHRO Head Jackmonkey Joos Litvalk, dismissed the protests out of hand:

"These doughboy, Nancy men would do well to take a lesson from their compatriot Helene Drümme, who rode Marin-Roubaix on a mountain bike (!!!) yet still finished in the top 10. Great champions do not whine like homeless dogs about the course being too hard. They should put on their big-boy pants before they take the start line on Sunday."

So apparently, that settles that.

Sponsors unveil new Jersey, Podium Girls in honor of vonSchmidt's Marin Roubaix record breaking victory

R.A. vonSchmidt rode into the record books for a sixth straight Lantern Rouge title at the 2013 edition of the fake race. Despite overwhelming odds, the "Red Devil" of Fiar-fiax, deep in the heart of hill country steeped in the lore of the giants of cycling's history eclipsed them all as he climbed onto the top step of the podium and into the history books Sunday. "Anquteil won the tour on only five occasions; I surpassed his ability to imbibe decades ago, and now I have surpassed his palmares on the bike as well"
When an incredulous reporter asked how he could possibly compare himself to "monseuir chrono" the reply from a non-plussed vonSchmidt was: "We both ride alone. For honor. We make no apologies for our preparation methods."

His sponsors were not only overjoyed by the unprecedented finish but astonished by the fashion with which he claimed the title: "Here at Duvel, we celebrate excess- while other competitors hold press conferences to apologize for cheating, the Red Devil is the pinnacle of a ne'r do well who unflinchingly measures his ability, finds it wanting, yet pereserveres to win at all cost anyway." In accordance with the terms of his contract, his sixth straight win entitles him to not only an unlimited supply of his recovery drink of choice but his choice bottle opener as well. (attorneys for his sponsor should have been more specific in defining the term "bottle opener" in his contract-ed) "When you leave everything on the course as I do, recovery is of utmost importance" Asked how he was able to defend his title yet again despite such a deep field of competitors, he simply replied: "Competitors? Ha! Until Hushvold looks himself in the mirror and is honest about his dark side, no one in the peloton can compete with me- no rehab program on earth will overcome his level of cognitive dissonance"

 
 

Bizarre 24 Hours: Hushvold Apologizes, Enters Rehab

In a bizarre 24-hour period, a post-race tirade by a visibly intoxicated Ken Hushvold was followed by an apology, capitulation and ultimately, entrance into rehab for OCD.  As of press time it is unknown whether Hushvold will be at the start line of the San Raflannders this Sunday.

Following Marin-Roubaix in which Hushvold, the apparent winner,  was regulated to last place for cutting the course, Hushvold was met with several reporters leaving Mattuccis Pub in East St. Anselmo. He was accompanied by three very young "party girls," none of which was his beautiful and faithful wife that just gave birth to the family's first child.

Photo of one of Hushvold's companions early Monday morning.

Hushvold was impertinent to the reporters, his fans, the PHRO and especially race director Joos Litvalk. 

"I won Marin Roubaix today. Litvalk is a fool! The lack of course markings at Marin-Roubaix have again snatched victory from me. I will never race in this amateur fake race again. Joos cost cutting has cost me countless victories, and thousands of dollars in endorsements and prize money. I have been robbed again!" 

When asked about his companions, Hushvold responded with an expletive rant as he rode away on a vintage 1961 Schwinn, his escorts close behind.

Later Monday morning, a rested and sober Hushvold met with reporters outside his home in St. Anselmo with a prepared statement.

"For all that I have done, I am so sorry.

I know I have bitterly disappointed all of you. I have made you question who I am and how I could have done the things I did. I am embarrassed that I have put you in this position. I have let you down, and I have let down my fans. For many of you, especially my friends, my behavior has been a personal disappointment. To those of you who work for me, I have let you down personally and professionally.

I take full responsibility for my actions. I let down my fans, cheated my competitors, tarnished the PHRO and shamed my family. Litvalk puts on a very professional race.  Moezzertens deserved to enjoy the victory in front of his hometown fans. I resorted to shortcuts: on the course and in life.  

The pressures to win this race became too much for me to handle. I reached deep into myself and I came up far short. I now realize that I need help, that I cannot continue with the life I have been leading. I therefore must get myself better before I can be a better husband, a better father, a better racer, and a better friend. I am entering a center that can help me with a very rare and debilitating obsessive compulsive disorder.  My only hope is that I can recover and be forgiven.  Thank you."

Hushvold was immediately whisked away in a late model dark SUV and did not answer questions.  Stay tuned as this bizarre story unfolds.

Marin-Roubaix Results and Report

First Timer Moezzertens Wins Controversial MR After Hushvod DQ'd.

It isn't often that an up and comer surprises the grizzled veteran hardmen of SanRaflaanderrs on the rough windswept roads of Marin-Roubaix but with a badgerlike tenacity and a surprise late move, Ravan Moezzertens has done just that. 

It was not a win without (the now seemingly obligatory  controversy though as many in attendance thought local hero Ken "The Hedgehog" Hushvod rode alone into the stadium at L'Ecole d'San Rafaaeel and celebrated a seemingly dominant win over the bunch. Official review of the replay showed, however, that Hushvod, who on the lead into the finale on Route d' Jewell cut the course and vaulted himself from a distant 5th wheel up to 10 seconds in front of the leaders. Moezzertens alone recognized the situation and with an early jump past a stunned Jonas Lodewick, Thibauld Thomas and Markus Clijisters was able to hold off a desperate Lodewick charge for the line while ahead an oblivious Hushvod celebrated his empty, soon to be vacated victory.

As It Happened
Rides rolled out under clear but windy skies and covered the 55km to Pau Clouf in a very brisk first hour. Regardless, all the contenders were together at the entrance to Pointe Camp Chinois. The high pace continued and the group started to fracture in the technical byways of Cirqure du Camp Chinois where Hushvod, seeing a gap accelerated hard and was away on his own. Clijisters, Moezzertens and Thomas gave chase while a disgruntled Lodewick held back with a group containing Helene Drümme and Stijn Cherry while R.A. vonSchmidt was left to plow a lone furrow, his Lantern Rouge preparation seemingly spot on.

Hushvod managed to maintain a 20 second gap over the chasers through l'Arivee d'Bucks and onto the Levee Santa Venetia. Lodewick, awoken from his slumber, made a determined charge through the groups on the road to regain contact with Hushvod as they entered the Suites du Embassee sector at which point, Hushvod immediately sat up. The pace was high though the punishing trench of Railroad d'Arenberg but the real fireworks were lit when Clijisters put in a blistering attack on Los Ranchitos to force the final selection. 

Rolling into the stadium at L'Ecole d'San Rafaaeel the front pairing of Lodewick and Clijisters were taken aback to find Hushvod a half lap ahead and on his way to celebrting victory. Moezzertens was the first to take advantage with an early jump in the backstretch to gain a gap he held to the finish. A visibly exhausted Lodewick took second with a resilient Thomas rounding out the podium. Clijisters rolled in just behind for a disappointing fourth with Drümme and Cherry arriving shortly thereafter for fifth and sixth with vonSchmidt protecting his Lantern Rouge crown. A tearful and enraged Hushvod was relegated to last place despite his vows to protest the commissares decision.

MWC-Breaking News: Single Speed Category Request Denied

On the eve of the Marin World Cup opener Marin-Roubaix, Cycling News is reporting another bizarre twist from Cjijisters-Stevensteers camp.

Katie Hewsonstein, long-time PR manger for Markus Cijisters has sent a letter requesting a single speed category starting 3 hours after the actual Marin-Roubaix. While this has shocked many, PHRO president and chairman Joos Litvalk quickly dispelled any rumors.

"A single speed race?  Is he kidding?  Am I running a race for urban hipsters?  Has Markus lost his mined? The PHRO will not support a single speed category for as long as I am President nor while I am alive! If Cijisters would like to ride a single speed in the race is up to him.  To ask for a special category undermines the history and stature or the Marin World Cup.

Once again, the Stevensteers-Cijisters camp had "no comment."