Sponsors unveil new Jersey, Podium Girls in honor of vonSchmidt's Marin Roubaix record breaking victory

R.A. vonSchmidt rode into the record books for a sixth straight Lantern Rouge title at the 2013 edition of the fake race. Despite overwhelming odds, the "Red Devil" of Fiar-fiax, deep in the heart of hill country steeped in the lore of the giants of cycling's history eclipsed them all as he climbed onto the top step of the podium and into the history books Sunday. "Anquteil won the tour on only five occasions; I surpassed his ability to imbibe decades ago, and now I have surpassed his palmares on the bike as well"
When an incredulous reporter asked how he could possibly compare himself to "monseuir chrono" the reply from a non-plussed vonSchmidt was: "We both ride alone. For honor. We make no apologies for our preparation methods."

His sponsors were not only overjoyed by the unprecedented finish but astonished by the fashion with which he claimed the title: "Here at Duvel, we celebrate excess- while other competitors hold press conferences to apologize for cheating, the Red Devil is the pinnacle of a ne'r do well who unflinchingly measures his ability, finds it wanting, yet pereserveres to win at all cost anyway." In accordance with the terms of his contract, his sixth straight win entitles him to not only an unlimited supply of his recovery drink of choice but his choice bottle opener as well. (attorneys for his sponsor should have been more specific in defining the term "bottle opener" in his contract-ed) "When you leave everything on the course as I do, recovery is of utmost importance" Asked how he was able to defend his title yet again despite such a deep field of competitors, he simply replied: "Competitors? Ha! Until Hushvold looks himself in the mirror and is honest about his dark side, no one in the peloton can compete with me- no rehab program on earth will overcome his level of cognitive dissonance"