R.A. Von Schmidt-Team DFL/Duvel"I had many times of doubt about taking the lead in the Lantern Rouge classification but in the end, I was able to push my body to the limits of slowness. I had a bad moment when I saw Robinski show up but he caved as did all the others. I alone in the peloton am able to slow my performance to the levels required. It's a technique I call 'Tantric Cycling.' The Red Devil has shown his horns!"
Stijn Cherry-Team Northside
"Very easy, very short day in the saddle. My main complaint was the brevity of the course. If this time trial had been 187 miles, I have no doubt that I would have come out on the podium. For a rider who sleeps on a bed of rocks and eats organic 6 penny nails for breakfast like myself, the harder the parcours the better. I would have preferred more wind and possibly some rain. Ice would also have been a nice addition. Lodewick was strong but he is a fair weather rider. I will look to attack next Tuesday on the Railroad d'Arenberg. Would you mind if I slept on your couch?"
Markus Clijsters - Domesticated Bachelor Cycling Team
"I was robbed! I got blocked on the course by two autos that both had 'Hedgehog of San Rafael' bumper stickers! Hushvod can't beat me straight up so he has his fan club do his dirty work! This is an abomination! I demand satisfaction!"
Van von Simeon - Whole Athlete
"I gave my all but the others are going too well right now. My form is not where I was hoping. Stijn has been staying on my couch this month and he convinced me I needed to harden up so I've been sleeping in a wooden box full of broken glass. It's hasn't done much for my recovery but I must say I do feel tougher. I ate a steak for lunch before the race.....raw! I also have been removing 1 pint of blood from my body per day. Stijn says that too many red blood cells are unnecessary and only weigh one down. Hopefully this new program will strengthen my resolve for San Raflaanders. It will soon be time for The Gorilla to roar!"
Jimmi Robinski - Whirlpool Spa Racing
"Ehh? Race? What race? I thought that this was a club ride. No, I have no idea where I finished. Hey, have you seen the beer tent? You're pretty cute, want to come back to my place? I have a hot tub!"
I had to develop a new training regimen to give up a minute per mile to Lodewyck and Fredericcio in a five mile ITT; and obviously it paid off. This validation of my theories on goal oriented and course specific training furthers my resolve to make my expertise available to the masses. At the San Raflaanders post race celebration, I will be unveiling my training and consulting program in conjunction with an unprecedented third Lantern Rouge Victory!-R.A. VonSchmidt
ReplyDeleteI wanted to add that I will be extending a 13% discount on coaching services to all Tuesday Night World Championship riders. I will also have advance copies of my forthcoming sports nutrition book-"The 4B Diet: buttered bread, bacon and beer, slow food for fast atheletes" available. This book will change your life. A diet high in saturated fat and simple carbohydrates reduces the need to stretch by lubricating your connective tissue as well as forces you into the perfect racing body rhythm of short intense bursts of activity followed by long periods of recovery inducing lethargy.
ReplyDeleteR.A. VonSchmidt
I'd like to schedule a fitness test with you. What kind of beer should I bring and are bratwurst an acceptable substitute for bacon?
ReplyDeleteReading all this smack talk is making me nostalgiac for racing. However, the case of Hickory Farms Summer Sausage I just purchased on eBay is preventing me from training for anything other than beer drinking.
ReplyDeleteI take solace in the fact that Mathys Foley is aligned with me in taking the year off of racing the bike to focus on other things.
The Gorilla will roar! I have been hanging around the tops of skyscrapers, knocking fighter aircraft out of the sky with my bare hands. Now that Stijin hasn't been pouring boiling water on me while I tried to sleep.
ReplyDeleteThe Hedge Hog better watch out - my supporters will be lining the Railroad d'Arenberg
ReplyDeleteAnd Van von Simeon, he is but a walking monkey and I'll be flying.
Lodewick - Lodewick -Lodewick - I am so sick of Lodewick I will actually make no love to beautiful woman in my hot tub the night before Flanders so that my energy reserves are complete come race day - I am the champ, now show me the ladies!!
ReplyDelete