CYCLISH NEWS - Marin-Roubaix Pre (fake) Race Edition

Weather Likely Not a Factor In Marin-Roubaix

Despite the recent spate of heavenly micturition that has so recently been pummeling the region, weather outlook for Sunday afternoon's Marin-Roubaix looks clear and warm. While inclement weather conditions certainly are favored by many spectators due to the resulting unpredictability it injects to the proceedings, it is likely welcome news to the fake-racers in the MR peloton. However, given the volume of recent precipitation, tyre and equipment choice will likely be a key determiner in Sunday's outcome. Look for most to be fitted with large volume road rubber with extra flat protection and some teams may even elect to run tyres with significant tread to handle what are sure to be slippery and possibly muddy sectors of pave. Marin-Roubaix is always a lottery but some choose to buy more tickets than most.

VonSchmidt Ramps Down Lantern Rouge Prep

In life, there are few certainties: Death. Taxes. Clijisters "running a bit late." One constant however, has been the last spot on the results sheet being filled by the "Red Devil" R.A. VonSchmidt. Few can argue with his spotless record of utter failure but, ever the innovator, VonSchmidt has taken his fake-race prep a step farther. VonSchmidt's trainer Lizz DeClanning revealed today that due to prior sponsorship commitments, he will be a late scratch from the start line in Marin-Roubaix.

"VonSchmidt is 256% committed to the defense of the Lantern Rouge but unfortunately the President of Duvel is requiring him to be in attendance at his son's 6th birthday party. He will be playing the part of the bicycle and giving all children attendance very slow rides around a hardwood dance floor. We hope he will be recovered sufficiently to take part in SanRaflaanderrs next Sunday."

Cherry Expected to Start In Spite of Hot Springs Incident

Legendary hardman of the PHRO calendar, Stijn Cherry has reportedly had a full recovery after being hospitalized for severe dehydration and exposure after a marathon 63 hour hot spring bathing session. Cherry, well known for his au natural bathing proclivities, apparently was partaking in the extended session in an effort to reinvigorate himself after spending more than two weeks straight on the road with retired French playboy, Donnal Lachapelle. Upon being found unconscious in the spring by a group of 20 something spring breakers, Cherry woke up and promptly asked them if they "were cool." Luckily Cherry has made a fast recovery and is expected to take the start line Sunday to contest the 256th Marin-Roubaix.